Clarity

I am grapling with a very very large decision right now.

I don't know if I will have any support in this decision.

I don't know if it is the correct decision.

It could potentially ruin my family

or

it could be the best thing that has ever happened.

So if your the praying type pray that I choose the correct path.

If your not the praying type throw some positive thoughts my way.

Blues~

Gloomy

I know it's the time of year

It's the month of blues.

It seeps in quite unexpected

every year.

I am never quite sure what has happened

but,

the feeling of meloncholy lingers.

Then something reminds me

and I think oh, yea that's right.

Things that normally would not bother me

shout loud and clear in my head

the state of my relationship with certain members of my family

my financial status

a change in time at a baseball game

(seriously?)

it ALL feels like too much.

Isn't that stupid.

Then I get mad at myself for not being

Over it!!!!

It shall pass it always does.

Just bear with me :0)

Oh Baby

My oldest brother he has taken many a wrong turn. I am no longer in touch with him. I do not care to be. He has 5 children. He hasn't taken resposibility for a single one of them. Each of them has been neglected and abused. My brother is in and out of jail. Mostly for drug related incidence. He is just plain and simple not a very nice guy. Well he used to be fairly nice but drugs make you a different person. The person he was is gone and we are left with a vacant body. A walking nightmare. Guess what he sent for Christmas. A picture. Guess what was in the picture. Oh yes, of course a new baby. Life is sometimes a little unfair. 6 times over unfair! That poor baby will live in poverty. Will not have a father. Will have the kind of mother who brings home men like my brother. And my house remains sibling free. Merry F****** Christmas to my big brother!!

Adoption Bug

I carry a burden that I don't speak about
I have the adoption bug
I have it BAD
No one in my family knows
My husband is completely satisfied with our family
My daughter has no need for a sibling
During the school year I repeatedly tell myself I could not handle more than one
We do not have the funds to complete another adoption
But my heart desires to have another child
I am just getting the burden off my chest
Nothing will come of my feelings
I sit and watch others videos
and I DESIRE
Anyone else out there feel me.......

Just thoughts

I don't even know where to start with this post. I feel like I need to write it down because I have this neatly placed bandage over a wound I will always carry. Unintentionally a member of my family ripped the bandage off and I felt the searing pain that will happen from time to time throughout my life. She wrote her beliefs about abortion in a public forum which is her right to do. It caught me off guard it was in a place I didn't expect to find it and it was illuded that anyone to make such a decision is the destroyer of peace. Not only did I love my child and watch my belly expand I also named her and had hopes and dreams for her. I was only physically her mother for around 20 weeks but in those 20 weeks I was a mother to a very real person. And I had to make a very, very difficult decision. The fact is I made a rather selfish decision I made a decision that I knew in the end would allow me to heal. I made a decision to protect myself. My baby was going to die. I watched her slowed labored movements on the monitor in the ER. Her fate was quite clear even to my untrained eye. I was at risk. These were the facts plain and simple. I knew that quite simply delivering her in a cold sterile ER and seeing her sweet face only to have her taken from me was more than I could possibly bear. I knew it would destroy me. I knew that sitting around and waiting for my body to suffocate her was not fair. Not fair to me and I believe not fair to her. So I played god. I made the decision to abort her. It is a decision I have to live with forever. I was not awarded a lot of time to make the decision and I was scared. So very scared. On top of being scared for myself I was scared for my family and especially my daughter. The loss of a birthmother and an adoptive mother I thought was more than she could possibly deal with. Sometimes things are not black or white but the murkiest shades of gray. I do not think my decision makes me a terrible monster. I don't think I am the destroyer of peace. You may think that in my shoes you would have made a different decision but unless you've walked in my shoes quite frankly you have no idea. I would not wish anyone to walk that path. I believe that only one in the end should pass judgement.

Delusion

I've been having the delusion that I might try pregnancy again. It has been a thought caught in the breeze. It makes me smile once in a while to think of a could be. Part of my delusion comes from reading a womans blog. She also has a daughter born in Guatemala and she got pregnant started bleeding at the same point and now has the most beautiful baby girl. Her family is like looking at what my family could have been and it has peaked this renewed interest in walking a path I said I never would. So I came here and I read Luci's story (have you noticed her name has changed as I write this blog it's as if she is changing with me). I am so happy I wrote it down so happy she is here in cyberspace to remind me that no its not a path I will walk. I need to look at Lily my beautiful happy princess and remember that truly although I'd like her to have a sibling she is really all I need to make one complete family. We are the happiest unit of three on earth. People grow up to be happy individuals without siblings. Truth of the matter is I'm not even close to my siblings. So today I will let the whisperings in my head stay just that and be happy.

Thankful

It's thanksgiving so I can not help but think of my angel baby. I just want to say that there is not a day goes by that there isn't a reminder of her presence. I feel her in a warm breeze, I see her in a breath of cool air, she is here as the wind rustles the leaves, and the waves crash upon the beach. There is not a sadness or a longing anymore just a peace to know I was given a perfect angel. I will love my Luci until the end of my day. My last breath may whisper her name as I go to meet her embrace!