Scared and excited and scared to be excited

Over the last few months I've been contemplating and weighing all of my options.  I'm 37 and the years I have of fertility are dwindling.  It is not my first choice.  I would much rather adopt but we have exhausted every avenue and there is just not an option that both of us are comfortable doing.  We went to a foster adopt orientation and it is not for us.  Peter simply isn't comfortable with the idea and I respect his views.  So that left me feeling like my options were dwindling and I must turn my back and close the door.  Only the door won't seem to shut.  There is still this crack of light that I can't seem to extinguish.  I tried blowing on it, slamming it shut, closing my eyes as tight as I could, searched desperately for the light switch but no matter what I did I just couldn't make it dark.  That glimmer of light is pregnancy something I have repeatedly said I would never do, but it's there and it lingers.  I've been pregnant 4 times.  Each has ended rather abruptly but the thing is I CAN get pregnant and I've been deemed perfectly healthy so I think I'll be sad if I turn 40 and don't try. 


It may be taboo to speak of miscarriage but the truth is I need some girls in my corner.  Rooting for me, and arms to catch me when I fall, and hands in case I need the dust brushed off, and arms around me whether they be virtual or not. 

So with a deep breathe I'm opening that door and walking right through.  All the same fears are right here in front of me.  I still am not rich.  I still have no idea how I will pay for infant care.  I don't know if I can handle two children, I am crazy scared I will end up in an abortion clinic again, but I will not let fear be my leader.  I am going to take one more leap and pray I land somewhere soft this time.

Therapy

So I went to therapy in search of answers.


Is this really something I can handle?


Did Peter want a baby?


If I miscarried again in the 2nd trimester how long would my emotional recovery be?


Could I parent two children?


Could I afford two children?


Would Lily still feel loved?


Would Peter still feel loved?


Is it selfish to take someone up on their offer when their only motivation is your happiness?


Diapers are stinky!


Babies after a bath smell delightful.


My body would sag in spots it hasn't yet.


I just started excersizing again!


Is it really fair to have an infant and then stick them in day care?


Infant care is super super expensive?


Lily doesn't ask for a sibling ever would she bond with the baby?


We are looking at a 7-8 year age difference.


Blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!





I was searching for someone to say go for this. You should totally do this. It is in the best interest of everyone including you.





My conclusion is that if this was a path I really wanted to walk again.


All the above mentioned worries and doubts would seem surmountable.


I never once cared about these things when adopting Lily I knew what I wanted.


I was focused.


I was determined no one would tell me no.


I didn't care what anyone had to say.








What I found is I'm not any of those things right now.


So we've decided not to take any drastic measures.


And to continue on just as we have before.


I think if Peter had said let's adopt again I would be filling out paperwork like a mad woman


but, lets try again is not so much my cup of tea.

Therapy

So previous to a few evenings ago I have been happily moving through life with the belief that my husband did not want more children so therefore we would have no more children. I could comfortably blame it all on him. That is until eating a extremely yummy pasta dinner across from a family with a small infant. The infant happened to be a boy and held the same strawberry blonde hair as my husband. I didn't take much notice as that is my usual reaction to cute infants I don't know. I ignore their presence completely as if their cuteness can not penetrate my infertility shield. So there I was happily munching a mushroom drenched in some sort of creamy heaven when Peter looks at me and asks, as if it is a normal question in my family and not one avoided like the plaugue, if I ever think about trying again. My response was,

every.... single.... day.

To which he responded just as noncholantly that we could if I wanted. And there you have it that ball is now in my court when previous to this it has comfortably resided in his.

So now that I have the ball whatever do I do with it?

Therapy is what I need.

Clarity did I find it?

I thought I owed my 2 readers :0), love you two, an explanation.

Around christmas I told you about my brothers addition to his brood.

I shared that it wasn't a great situation for a child to be in.

So my mom came back to school shopping with me.

While coming home after spoiling, a certain someone,

my mom shared with me that the baby has been in foster care

for quite some time.

To which I said, "wait come again

why

why

why

didn't you tell me when this happened?

She says she thought she did.

I'm inclined to think she thought it might hurt me.

Anyways.....

I immediately knew I wanted to try and foster and eventually adopt her.

I told Peter none of this.

I came home and started making phone calls

I looked in live birth records to find her.

I only knew a first name

Alina.

(I haven't spoken to my brother in at least 3 years

and we only have a contact for a friend whom can get a hold of him

the friend is also a drug addict

not a reliable source)

While camping I went and hid near the bathroom where there was reception

and made several phone calls.

I finally spoke with the head of family services.

She found the baby in the system.

She told me that if my neice, yes my neice,

is to become adoptable she would be offered to the foster family she has been staying with first.

She said it's whats best for her.

SERIOUSLY.

I'm her family you don't know me, how do you know?

My first offical day of work I spent emailing the head of family services.

She said that she forwarded the message to the babies social worker

and it is up to her to contact me.

No contact has been made.

I am baffled.

I know of children in the system who have been placed in homes

that were not safe

could not provide food

or love

because they are family.

I know there must be more to this story

something I am not privey to,

but I am at a loss.

Some good did come of this though.

I finally told Peter of my coniving plan.

Remember he is dead set on one child.

I expected a very colorful string of swear words

followed by a hell no.

He said,

"I would be open to that."

Guess I shouldn't underestimate my husband.

He said, "He fears an invitation to my brother to enter our lives."

"He fears raising a child that was probably addicted to drugs"

"He fears that this would be very confusing to Lily"

"Alina would have several brothers and a sister that would not be Lily's"

I would fear all these things too.

So for now I've given up on the idea.

Perhaps I'll get a phone call when I'm least expecting it.

Like I said I'm baffled.

I do have a feeling that if I was

related to the mother

I may be getting a different response.

My guesses are that either

A. She is back with her birthmother

or

B. My brother has physically abused the mother

which would make me a unlikely candidate to foster her

for the mothers safety.

What ever the case may be keep baby Alina

in your thoughts and prayers,

She needs them.

Clarity

I am grapling with a very very large decision right now.

I don't know if I will have any support in this decision.

I don't know if it is the correct decision.

It could potentially ruin my family

or

it could be the best thing that has ever happened.

So if your the praying type pray that I choose the correct path.

If your not the praying type throw some positive thoughts my way.

Blues~

Gloomy

I know it's the time of year

It's the month of blues.

It seeps in quite unexpected

every year.

I am never quite sure what has happened

but,

the feeling of meloncholy lingers.

Then something reminds me

and I think oh, yea that's right.

Things that normally would not bother me

shout loud and clear in my head

the state of my relationship with certain members of my family

my financial status

a change in time at a baseball game

(seriously?)

it ALL feels like too much.

Isn't that stupid.

Then I get mad at myself for not being

Over it!!!!

It shall pass it always does.

Just bear with me :0)

Oh Baby

My oldest brother he has taken many a wrong turn. I am no longer in touch with him. I do not care to be. He has 5 children. He hasn't taken resposibility for a single one of them. Each of them has been neglected and abused. My brother is in and out of jail. Mostly for drug related incidence. He is just plain and simple not a very nice guy. Well he used to be fairly nice but drugs make you a different person. The person he was is gone and we are left with a vacant body. A walking nightmare. Guess what he sent for Christmas. A picture. Guess what was in the picture. Oh yes, of course a new baby. Life is sometimes a little unfair. 6 times over unfair! That poor baby will live in poverty. Will not have a father. Will have the kind of mother who brings home men like my brother. And my house remains sibling free. Merry F****** Christmas to my big brother!!