Hallelujah!!!

I was really really worried.  Honestly I don't think I've ever been that worried about my health.  Cancer, removal of a major organ, having something known to the medical community as a mole.  Seriously I was freaked.  I spent all morning feeling sorry for myself and crying.  Luckily my appointment was at 8:30 a.m. or I may have been really in a depressed state.  I didn't have Peter go with me today because I thought that I would need him tomorrow when my actual appointment was with the doctorr.  Today they were supposed to just do an ultra sound.  My doctor made time for me.  Thank goodness I don't think I could have waited another 24 hours.  So she came in while I was having my ultra sound.  She said hello trouble.  I have a nickname.  She did make me smile.  Then made me down right giddy when her and the tech agreed my problem is not a mole.  Thank god!!!!  That's the good news and it is really really good news.  The other news is that there is no explanation as to why my hormone levels are not dropping.  So I have to take a rather yucky medication over the weekend that is going to make me cramp and hopefully get rid of what is left in my uterus and cause my levels to start to drop.  If they do not drop then I'll be getting a D&C on Tuesday.  I'm not against having a D&C it's just that I'll have to pay the deductible on my insurance and I'd rather not do that in November because it starts all over in January.  It's how Peter's broken thumb cost us $1000 dollars last year.  It spanned over 2 years because he needed treatment from November-January.  I do think we need different insurance.  Wish me luck this weekend.  I'm sure it won't be that bad right.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Why can nothing just be simple!  I am so very very frustrated!!!!!  Thank you I needed that.

Last Tuesday I miscarried at work.  It was just freakin Lovely.  Luckily I share a door with one of my best friends so she was able to watch my class as I needed to run to the restroom.  I didn't bother calling the dr because really what was she going to do and I know the drill.  On Thursday it was Lily's birthday and I needed a break so I took the day off and called the dr. to let her know I miscarried.  She fit me in that day because I am RH negative I need to get a shot within 48 hours of delivery or in my case miscarriage.  So I went to the dr got an ultra sound which confirmed what I already knew.  Then I went to the lab to get my blood tested to see if any anti bodies had formed then I went back to the dr to get my shot of rogam.  Then I picked up my daughter and took her to karate and then to celebrate her birthday. Are you relaxed yet let me tell you I found that day very relaxing!!  No hint of sarcasm.

Then I woke up took my classs on a field trip got back to school worked til 7 putting on a harvest carnival.  All weekend I continued to bleed heavily.  I kept thinking to myself really there are people who don't know they miscarry.  How is this possible. Even if I wasn't trying to get pregnant I would find this very very odd.  Then Saturday I threw my daughter a party and then went to some of our friends house to watch the Giants and then on Sunday ran errands went to the grocery store and then took Lily to my parents house to carve pumpkins.  All the while mildly cramping and bleeding heavily.  Peter kept asking me if I was worried I kept telling him not in the least.

Today my dr's assissitant called me to tell me that my hormone levels are not dropping like they should.  That my dr is worried that I may have had what is called a molar pregnancy.  Which after reading stuff on the interenet is kinda scary.  So yes Peter I'm a little worried now thank you for asking!  I'm all done reading stuff on the internet.  I have a fancy ultra sound tomorrow and then will meet with my dr on Wednesday.  The reason this is scary because a molar pregnancy consists of your body making lots of extra cells.  So basically your uterus fills with blood and cellular tissue.  That cellular tissue has the potential to turn cancerous.  Once they remove the cellular tissue if it continues to grow back you could have to get a hysterectomy.  So send some positive thoughts my way I could use them.

Nothing gained not much lost

Last week or maybe the week before I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. Had my hormones checked my numbers were really really good. Started having period like cramps on Monday. They went away by Tuesday. Felt nasueas all day Thursday. Thought that was a good sign. Went to the bathroom after work and was bleeding. Not to go into too much detail but there is a difference between old and new blood coming from ones uterus. The color is different. So what I have is old blood which is in theory a good sign, but with each miscarriage it has been the old blood, so for me I don't think this means much. I took another blood test on Thursday and my hormones are still doing what they are supposed to be doing. I have to tell you I'm not very optimistic. My 6 week appointment is on November 1st. I won't know anything more until then.
How I'm feeling:
We know this is not the outcome I was hoping for. I am obviously disappointed. However on the flipside I'm incredibly grateful. Having a loss before seeing a heartbeat is ideal. Having a loss in the first trimester is ideal. So I'm very much looking at the bright side. At this moment in time I don't know if this is the end of the road or the beginning. Meaning I'm not sure if I'll try again or scrap the idea. Time will tell.


I'll post an update on the 1st, but I'm not holding my breathe.

Waiting........

The last time I got pregnant I was on birth control.  I was not exactly stellar at taking it I forgot A LOT.  So I expected to just get pregnant now that I'm not taking anything at all.  Of course that isn't happening.  I know I know its only been 3 months but last month would have been the perfect month.  It would have meant the baby was born in May and I could take the last month off of work and then be home with the baby.  Now that window of perfection has passed.  Sooooo here's my dilemma.  The doctor has offered to give me chlomid to increase my chances.  I told her no because I haven't had any trouble getting sperm to egg before.  Now I wondering if I should go that route.  The problem is that chlomid thins the lining of my uterus which in essence would cause a miscarriage.  So she says that that is a fixable problem and that we would just have to find the right combination of hormones to stop that from happening.  My insurance does not cover chlomid and it has a $500 deductible to boot.  So it's not exactly cost effective and I don't want to put myself in debt if it isn't necessary.  So we wait......

I wanted to address the issue of my current dr.  I do not in any way think that the loss of Lucy is her fault.  There was nothing, and I am sure of this, nothing she could have done.  She should not have told me not to worry but that was her one and only mistake.  I am only willing to do this in a cost effective way.  I could seek out the best fertility specialists in the area and get there take.  But I've already done that  and I came up with a big fat nothing.  So I know many woman who have carried babies to term after having several miscarriages.  I am merely hoping 5th times a charm and I get to be one of those women.  I think it is worth a try as I near my 40th birthday to not always wonder.  I love my dr and can think of no one else I'd like to help me in this journey. 

Scared and excited and scared to be excited

Over the last few months I've been contemplating and weighing all of my options.  I'm 37 and the years I have of fertility are dwindling.  It is not my first choice.  I would much rather adopt but we have exhausted every avenue and there is just not an option that both of us are comfortable doing.  We went to a foster adopt orientation and it is not for us.  Peter simply isn't comfortable with the idea and I respect his views.  So that left me feeling like my options were dwindling and I must turn my back and close the door.  Only the door won't seem to shut.  There is still this crack of light that I can't seem to extinguish.  I tried blowing on it, slamming it shut, closing my eyes as tight as I could, searched desperately for the light switch but no matter what I did I just couldn't make it dark.  That glimmer of light is pregnancy something I have repeatedly said I would never do, but it's there and it lingers.  I've been pregnant 4 times.  Each has ended rather abruptly but the thing is I CAN get pregnant and I've been deemed perfectly healthy so I think I'll be sad if I turn 40 and don't try. 


It may be taboo to speak of miscarriage but the truth is I need some girls in my corner.  Rooting for me, and arms to catch me when I fall, and hands in case I need the dust brushed off, and arms around me whether they be virtual or not. 

So with a deep breathe I'm opening that door and walking right through.  All the same fears are right here in front of me.  I still am not rich.  I still have no idea how I will pay for infant care.  I don't know if I can handle two children, I am crazy scared I will end up in an abortion clinic again, but I will not let fear be my leader.  I am going to take one more leap and pray I land somewhere soft this time.

Therapy

So I went to therapy in search of answers.


Is this really something I can handle?


Did Peter want a baby?


If I miscarried again in the 2nd trimester how long would my emotional recovery be?


Could I parent two children?


Could I afford two children?


Would Lily still feel loved?


Would Peter still feel loved?


Is it selfish to take someone up on their offer when their only motivation is your happiness?


Diapers are stinky!


Babies after a bath smell delightful.


My body would sag in spots it hasn't yet.


I just started excersizing again!


Is it really fair to have an infant and then stick them in day care?


Infant care is super super expensive?


Lily doesn't ask for a sibling ever would she bond with the baby?


We are looking at a 7-8 year age difference.


Blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!





I was searching for someone to say go for this. You should totally do this. It is in the best interest of everyone including you.





My conclusion is that if this was a path I really wanted to walk again.


All the above mentioned worries and doubts would seem surmountable.


I never once cared about these things when adopting Lily I knew what I wanted.


I was focused.


I was determined no one would tell me no.


I didn't care what anyone had to say.








What I found is I'm not any of those things right now.


So we've decided not to take any drastic measures.


And to continue on just as we have before.


I think if Peter had said let's adopt again I would be filling out paperwork like a mad woman


but, lets try again is not so much my cup of tea.

Therapy

So previous to a few evenings ago I have been happily moving through life with the belief that my husband did not want more children so therefore we would have no more children. I could comfortably blame it all on him. That is until eating a extremely yummy pasta dinner across from a family with a small infant. The infant happened to be a boy and held the same strawberry blonde hair as my husband. I didn't take much notice as that is my usual reaction to cute infants I don't know. I ignore their presence completely as if their cuteness can not penetrate my infertility shield. So there I was happily munching a mushroom drenched in some sort of creamy heaven when Peter looks at me and asks, as if it is a normal question in my family and not one avoided like the plaugue, if I ever think about trying again. My response was,

every.... single.... day.

To which he responded just as noncholantly that we could if I wanted. And there you have it that ball is now in my court when previous to this it has comfortably resided in his.

So now that I have the ball whatever do I do with it?

Therapy is what I need.