Getting Real

I am writing this here so that I don't forget.  I think as time moves it begins to lesson the severity of things.  You know like childbirth.  I am all about moving forward but I also don't want a false sense of security either.  In 2012/2013 my ex made some decisions that led to the demise of our marriage.  He was always a risk taker.  He was always a drinker but the drinking got more and more extreme until it spiraled completely out of control.  In 2013 I was not quite ready to be honest with myself so instead of deal with the calamity in front of me I tried to get pregnant.  I made all kinds of deals with myself as my life spun out of control.  I really wanted a bigger family and I rationalized that I was getting too old to wait.  In the same token I was telling myself that I would wait to leave until my daughter was older and I could explain to her how to keep herself safe. Looking back on that time I think what were you thinking, but I wasn't, I was grasping and holding on for dear life.  Rational thought left the building until much later.  In October of 2013 there was a family birthday party where my ex got completely out of control and embarrassed me and made a fool of himself.  My dad pulled me aside and said I think your husband is an alcoholic.  This brought me completely to my senses.  My secret was not well kept.  The next week I found out my, ignore the calamity and get pregnant ,came to fruition and the stick turned pink.  Thankfully my body did what it always does and I miscarried.  Once I gathered myself I steeled myself for the road ahead.  Still not sure 100% how to proceed.  I was so very scared.  Scared if I just walked away he would hurt my child.  Scared that if he was alone with her something would happen.  Then things spiraled further out of control and I told him to leave.  He came back with all kinds of ideas mostly around being just a social drinker.  I held my ground and he told me he needed til his birthday and then he would enter rehab.  In the course of time I found that alcohol was not his only poison and hoped and prayed I could get him to rehab.  I agreed to his terms because rehab was now on the table.  It is not pretty getting someone into rehab.  He was angry and abusive.  Not physically, but I was called some pretty horrible names and told some pretty horrible things about myself, but I kept persevering.  Telling myself I could make it to his birthday.  Then he did something I could not forgive and I kicked him out and I stood my ground.  I knew I could keep my girl safe and I would go to any measures to do so.  I was finally ready.  He went to rehab the next day and completed a 30 day stint.  It was a terrible time for my daughter.  We had no money she was a wreck and I didn't know what to do.  Luckily I have a very, very good support system. I was able to improve my situation and readied myself for the high likelihood that he would not stay sober.  I separated our bank accounts and stood on my own two feet.  I decided never again would I allow myself to be in my previous situation.   We made it through the 30 days and I stood by my husband hoping and praying for everyone's sake he would stay sober.  We went to counseling and I told him my terms to continue our relationship.  1. He must stay sober.  2. He must be responsible for his finances. (Our finances were already destroyed and I wanted to start over) 3.No more lying. (This is a symptom of being an alcoholic.)  Right away he blew my second condition.  He bought a car he absolutely could not afford and was not even remotely a family car.   He promised me he could handle the payments and things would be different.  I have to give him credit because he has stayed sober and that is no small feat, but he was not able to afford his car.  It took 18 months for me to figure out just how much he could not afford his car.  In the midst of 18 months condition number 3 was not kept and he began lying in order to cover up the fact that he was once again spiraling out of control but in a different way. Now he has moved out and I am tasked with really starting over.  Really finding out who I am.  Sending him to rehab instilled a confidence in me that I will be forever grateful for.  I am not weak or broken but strong and fierce.  I am ready for the future and what lies ahead.  I'll continue to write here.  I really think my story might help other people.  I am thankful for so many things.  I am mostly thankful for my career.  Without it all of this would be so much harder.   I've lost some friends and gained some friends along the way but I have a big support system and I will make it out of this and I'll be better off. 

Coming Out from behind the veil of PRIVATE

I made this blog private because I didn't want to be judged for trying again.  I needed a safe place to vent.  I decided this blog does not need to be private.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I have nothing to hide.  I have dealt with lifes curve balls the best I can.  Perhaps someone feeling lost will come upon this blog and find comfort in the fact that even with the heartbreak of infertility a family can still be had.  Not everyday is a good one and I will always carry what I call my wounds.  They are mostly covered and rarely rear the head of grief but on occasion they show the rawness that infertility brings.  My story is different from some and the same as others.  The wounds I carry are not unique not even really profound.

I used to get angry at myself for not just getting on with it already.  My perception has now changed.  If you stuff the emotions they will come out some other way.  On a friend or a family member or worse your child.  So you just have to walk through the emotion when it comes.  Sit with awhile if need be.  Recently I did just that.  My friend is pregnant with her second child.  I'm very appreciative that she tells me this news by way of email.  I will always need a moment to process.  It is not because I am mean or vindictive.  Only that I wish it were us.  My baby would have been born sometime this summer.  Hers will be born in the fall.  It would have been so fun to do this together.  So this time I just aloud myself the moment to grieve what I've lost time and time again.  I took my moment  in the bathroom with the door closed and then I wiped my tears and moved on.  I love my friend and I will love both her children like they are family.  I will happily attend her shower and I will be excited to take part in this new babies life.  From now on I will just allow myself the minute let myself have a good ugly cry and then carry on.  Cause that's all any of us can do is carry on.  It does me no good to do the if only, I wish game.   

True Story

On Saturday I took that medication.  It was actually ulcer medication but as a side affect it opens a woman's cervix.  The cramping wasn't that bad.  So I spent Saturday treated like a princess by my husband and daughter.  They were lovely, but Saturday night I woke up to a lot of blood.  It made me a little worried that I was hemorrhaging I spent a lot of time on the Internet figuring out was was normal while doing that the gushing seemed to subside but it scared me enough to decide that 1 day of meds was enough for me.  I decided that I would just risk paying the deductible and have a D and C. 

Monday I went to get my blood taken so my doctor could review my hormone level and decide if I would need a D and C.  This is the part you will not believe:
My name was called and I sat down in the chair and the phlebotomist reviews my paper work and says:
"Are you pregnant?"
I say, "No."
She says, "Oh but you were, did you want it?"
I'm not kidding she really said that.
I say, "yes"
she says, "really at your age?  I would never want a baby at your age"
To which I was rendered speechless!  I said nothing the rest of the time. Walked out of the room and broke down in a pool of tears in my car. Took some deep breathes and went to pick my girlie up from school.

When I got home I googled Quest Diagnostic and found a place to email about my experience.  Here is what I said:
I went to a Quest Diagnostic on coyle ave in Sacramento today.  I got my blood drawn because I just had a miscarriage and am checking my hormone levels.  The woman who drew my blood:
  (insert above conversation) 
I'm pretty sure you'd like your technicians to have some sort of bed side manner.  I was rendered speechless.  A miscarriage is a very delicate and personal thing to go through.  I will never go back to that particular quest again.  I will now have to drive way out of my way to avoid my day being ruined by a rude highly insensitive person.  This is not the first time that my blood was drawn by this woman.  The last time she drew my blood she asked if I was having a little one and I replied I wasn't sure and she chose to ramble on about her own miscarriage experience.  Which I felt was weird but not highly offensive.  This is my 5th miscarriage.  In my 10 years of traveling this road Ive never had anyone ask questions about my blood draws before.  I hope that this letter will encourage you to have a conversation or to reprimand this woman in some way.  Perhaps she should think about a new career.

I'm not usually a complainer.  I usually take things in stride and realise everyone is different and maybe so and so was just having an off day, but considering this woman used no common sense both times she took my blood I decided someone should know.  I got a phone call back from a very nice gentleman whom assured me that the situation was being thoroughly investigated and the woman would be reprimanded.  I felt quite vindicated. 

I took the day off on Tuesday because I had to fast and I don't have the kind of job where I can just leave at the drop of the hat.  It was a very nice day.  I didn't need a procedure so Peter and I went out to breakfast and enjoyed each others company. 

Hallelujah!!!

I was really really worried.  Honestly I don't think I've ever been that worried about my health.  Cancer, removal of a major organ, having something known to the medical community as a mole.  Seriously I was freaked.  I spent all morning feeling sorry for myself and crying.  Luckily my appointment was at 8:30 a.m. or I may have been really in a depressed state.  I didn't have Peter go with me today because I thought that I would need him tomorrow when my actual appointment was with the doctorr.  Today they were supposed to just do an ultra sound.  My doctor made time for me.  Thank goodness I don't think I could have waited another 24 hours.  So she came in while I was having my ultra sound.  She said hello trouble.  I have a nickname.  She did make me smile.  Then made me down right giddy when her and the tech agreed my problem is not a mole.  Thank god!!!!  That's the good news and it is really really good news.  The other news is that there is no explanation as to why my hormone levels are not dropping.  So I have to take a rather yucky medication over the weekend that is going to make me cramp and hopefully get rid of what is left in my uterus and cause my levels to start to drop.  If they do not drop then I'll be getting a D&C on Tuesday.  I'm not against having a D&C it's just that I'll have to pay the deductible on my insurance and I'd rather not do that in November because it starts all over in January.  It's how Peter's broken thumb cost us $1000 dollars last year.  It spanned over 2 years because he needed treatment from November-January.  I do think we need different insurance.  Wish me luck this weekend.  I'm sure it won't be that bad right.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Why can nothing just be simple!  I am so very very frustrated!!!!!  Thank you I needed that.

Last Tuesday I miscarried at work.  It was just freakin Lovely.  Luckily I share a door with one of my best friends so she was able to watch my class as I needed to run to the restroom.  I didn't bother calling the dr because really what was she going to do and I know the drill.  On Thursday it was Lily's birthday and I needed a break so I took the day off and called the dr. to let her know I miscarried.  She fit me in that day because I am RH negative I need to get a shot within 48 hours of delivery or in my case miscarriage.  So I went to the dr got an ultra sound which confirmed what I already knew.  Then I went to the lab to get my blood tested to see if any anti bodies had formed then I went back to the dr to get my shot of rogam.  Then I picked up my daughter and took her to karate and then to celebrate her birthday. Are you relaxed yet let me tell you I found that day very relaxing!!  No hint of sarcasm.

Then I woke up took my classs on a field trip got back to school worked til 7 putting on a harvest carnival.  All weekend I continued to bleed heavily.  I kept thinking to myself really there are people who don't know they miscarry.  How is this possible. Even if I wasn't trying to get pregnant I would find this very very odd.  Then Saturday I threw my daughter a party and then went to some of our friends house to watch the Giants and then on Sunday ran errands went to the grocery store and then took Lily to my parents house to carve pumpkins.  All the while mildly cramping and bleeding heavily.  Peter kept asking me if I was worried I kept telling him not in the least.

Today my dr's assissitant called me to tell me that my hormone levels are not dropping like they should.  That my dr is worried that I may have had what is called a molar pregnancy.  Which after reading stuff on the interenet is kinda scary.  So yes Peter I'm a little worried now thank you for asking!  I'm all done reading stuff on the internet.  I have a fancy ultra sound tomorrow and then will meet with my dr on Wednesday.  The reason this is scary because a molar pregnancy consists of your body making lots of extra cells.  So basically your uterus fills with blood and cellular tissue.  That cellular tissue has the potential to turn cancerous.  Once they remove the cellular tissue if it continues to grow back you could have to get a hysterectomy.  So send some positive thoughts my way I could use them.

Nothing gained not much lost

Last week or maybe the week before I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. Had my hormones checked my numbers were really really good. Started having period like cramps on Monday. They went away by Tuesday. Felt nasueas all day Thursday. Thought that was a good sign. Went to the bathroom after work and was bleeding. Not to go into too much detail but there is a difference between old and new blood coming from ones uterus. The color is different. So what I have is old blood which is in theory a good sign, but with each miscarriage it has been the old blood, so for me I don't think this means much. I took another blood test on Thursday and my hormones are still doing what they are supposed to be doing. I have to tell you I'm not very optimistic. My 6 week appointment is on November 1st. I won't know anything more until then.
How I'm feeling:
We know this is not the outcome I was hoping for. I am obviously disappointed. However on the flipside I'm incredibly grateful. Having a loss before seeing a heartbeat is ideal. Having a loss in the first trimester is ideal. So I'm very much looking at the bright side. At this moment in time I don't know if this is the end of the road or the beginning. Meaning I'm not sure if I'll try again or scrap the idea. Time will tell.


I'll post an update on the 1st, but I'm not holding my breathe.

Waiting........

The last time I got pregnant I was on birth control.  I was not exactly stellar at taking it I forgot A LOT.  So I expected to just get pregnant now that I'm not taking anything at all.  Of course that isn't happening.  I know I know its only been 3 months but last month would have been the perfect month.  It would have meant the baby was born in May and I could take the last month off of work and then be home with the baby.  Now that window of perfection has passed.  Sooooo here's my dilemma.  The doctor has offered to give me chlomid to increase my chances.  I told her no because I haven't had any trouble getting sperm to egg before.  Now I wondering if I should go that route.  The problem is that chlomid thins the lining of my uterus which in essence would cause a miscarriage.  So she says that that is a fixable problem and that we would just have to find the right combination of hormones to stop that from happening.  My insurance does not cover chlomid and it has a $500 deductible to boot.  So it's not exactly cost effective and I don't want to put myself in debt if it isn't necessary.  So we wait......

I wanted to address the issue of my current dr.  I do not in any way think that the loss of Lucy is her fault.  There was nothing, and I am sure of this, nothing she could have done.  She should not have told me not to worry but that was her one and only mistake.  I am only willing to do this in a cost effective way.  I could seek out the best fertility specialists in the area and get there take.  But I've already done that  and I came up with a big fat nothing.  So I know many woman who have carried babies to term after having several miscarriages.  I am merely hoping 5th times a charm and I get to be one of those women.  I think it is worth a try as I near my 40th birthday to not always wonder.  I love my dr and can think of no one else I'd like to help me in this journey.