Hoping I'm enough

I have discovered the problem with being the ex wife of an addict.  I don't think he's fallen off the wagon, but all the behaviors of an addict are still ever present.  When I started on the journey to get him sober I remember thinking if only.  If only he stops drinking it will be so much better.  If only he kicks the pill habit it will be so much better.  Here is what I have learned.  Addicts are addicts are addicts.  It does not matter if you take the substance away the behaviors still exist.  It is really very sad.  Mostly it is sad for my daughter.  She is beginning to understand that on the list of important things in his life she is not on the top.  A few weeks ago she came back from his house crying.  She said I think daddy has a new girlfriend.  I don't think I'm important to him.  I think she will take my place.  At that time I told her that will never happen!!  I defended him telling her that even if he has another lady in his life she would still be very, very important to him.  Then it started becoming so apparent that my words just did not ring true.  That her best interest was no where near the forefront of his thought.  That being a good role model is not on the list of what a father is.  My heart is breaking for my little girl who deserves so much more.  The self centered, selfish behavior of an addict is here it is in our face and it is ravaging us with a vengeance.  You see the substance doesn't really matter if the person isn't going to do the work, those behaviors are ingrained.  I'm so happy to not be living with him, but it doesn't stop those behaviors from entering my safe place.  Without spewing his personal information here, because this blog is not about vengeance, I will say that I have limited his access to her to two evenings a week.  I did this and told him I thought MY priorities were out of whack. I so hope that we can get the custody paperwork drawn and this agreement will stick.  The other day the conversation came up again about her feeling unimportant in his world and I couldn't deny it.  All I could say is, I am so sorry you feel that way.  I love you and you will always be important to me.  Each night before she goes to sleep I repeat these words to her.  I love you.  You will always be important to me!  All I can hope for is that I am enough!  All I can do is be the best role model possible.  All I can do is love her like a vengeance!  I was for awhile trying to make him parent.  It was funny really because it was our marriage playing out all over again.  I wanted to make sure he didn't walk away.  I wanted to make sure he was not one more person in her life to leave her.  I've finally discovered it's not my place.  I can not make him be a father.  Even if I force him to spend time with her, I can not force him to parent.  So I am done.  This week was terrible.  My emotions are everywhere.  I absolutely lost my cool. Which is never good.  It never feels good.  It never accomplishes anything.  It never is the release I hope it will be, but I am human, and I'm allowed to make mistakes!  The best I can do is learn from it and be better next time.  Please send us positive thoughts as we really need them right now.  Please send positive thoughts that I can be enough to fill a broken little girl who has experienced more loss than any little person deserves.  I fear the worst is yet to come.  Please pray that I can handle whatever lies ahead with dignity and grace. 

Happy New Year (almost)

Wow, am I glad to see this year leaving.  Was it a horrible year?  Actually, not really!  It was a year of change and new learning's.  It was a year of self discovery and a year of empowerment.  Really, this year was just an extension of the past three years.  It was an extension of the downhill race I started on when I sent my ex to rehab that propelled me, catapulted me really, on this path where I get to be who I was meant to be.  I thought the holidays would be horrible, but you know what, they were great.  I'm learning the saying, life is what you make of it, is so true.  These past 10 years I could have crawled under a rock and decided life is just too hard! 6 miscarriages an alcoholic husband are nothing to scoff at, but what fun would it be to crawl under a rock.  What fun is it to live in a funk.  I can't change the past I can only move forward.  It's really the only direction there is.  I get to make 2015 whatever I want.  It will be my 40th year on this earth and there is not a single reason to make it anything but fabulous.  Will shit happen? Absolutely!  Will I struggle?  Probably!  Will I still be happy?  Why the hell not!

So what made the holidays great?  Well first off they happened on my terms.  I got to buy what I wanted!  I got to go where I wanted and spend them with whomever I damn well pleased.  No one was looking at their watch waiting to leave.  L spent Christmas eve with her dad.  They went to his parents house.  I was so fabulously, gloriously, happy I didn't have to go!  I didn't have to spend my day in their cigarette smelling, sour food dwelling!  I spent my day shopping and wrapping and then I went with my best friend for dinner and drinks.  It was perfection!  After dinner I picked up my girl we put out milk and cookies and went to bed.  Christmas morning her dad came over for breakfast which was mildly painful for me, but it was her favorite part of the day.  I'm glad I was able to do that for her.  Then we spent all day at my brothers house.  Once again no one checking their watch!

In other news I've started dating.  Something else I've thought would be dreadful, but really it's pretty fun.  I get to practice meeting new people! I get to dress up! I usually get free food and drinks.  Is every date wonderful certainly not, but it makes for some good stories.  I've decided it is pretty much for entertainment value.  I give them each funny names and they each come with funny stories.  I'm not looking for anything super serious right now.  I'm just having fun and being entertained.  L is not ready for me to date.  I realize L will never be ready, but I'm respecting that she needs time to adjust and heal and I'll give that to her.  So for now dating is purely entertainment. It is also me figuring out what it is that I want.  What my red flags really are.  My first internet date I met the guy at a bar.  The bar tenders knew him by name and he was drinking whiskey and ice.  He may have been a nice guy, but that date lasted 20 minutes and I was OUT as fast as I could go.  A red flag!!!!  On another date I went out with this super attractive guy.  HE WAS HOT! He spent that whole date talking about how he still loved his ex.  FOR AN HOUR!  Usually I'll offer to help pay, but not that time I charge for therapy buddy :0).  So you see you just can't take it too seriously and have fun with it.

Here's to wishing us all a very, very happy 2015!  Whatever happens there is strength in knowing it will all be OK!

Merry Christmas

So I bought myself a Christmas present!  Well I actually bought myself several :0).  But this particular present means a lot to me.  I got rid of my bed.  This is the first thing he and I bought together as a married couple.  I survived 12 years of marriage and 6 miscarriages in this bed.  I spent many a sleepless night in this bed wondering how I was going to survive my marriage.  Wondering how I was going to keep my daughter safe.  Wondering just how my life got so off track. I grieved Luciana in this bed.

I can not tell you the thrill of watching the men carry it out of my home.  The relief of seeing this gone gone gone!  It is a truly Merry Christmas to me!  Proof that I am starting over and making my life exactly what I want it to be!

Next week L is going with her Dad to Oregon.  She is going to have a wonderful time.  Send some positive thoughts my way, it will be the longest I've ever been without her.

Have a truly Merry Christmas my friends.

Feeling better

It's been ugly around here.  I have not been able to write.  I was afraid of what I may spew on this page.  All I saw was red for a period of time and all I wanted was revenge.  I am not a vengeful person,  I am also a deeply forgiving person but I did not feel either of these virtues.  I knew this person I was, was not who I wanted to be, but I couldn't help it.  I could not help but remind my ex what an idiot I thought he was every chance I got.  I would pep talk myself as I drove to his house that I would be cordial.  I would tell myself I could do this and then I would get to his driveway and just see red.  Thankfully text messages made my crusade silent as far as L was concerned.  She was not exposed to my tirade, however she was exposed by the tense interactions between the two of us. 

I started training for a half marathon again.  This once again has been my saving grace.  To pound my anger on the pavement has been life saving.  One day I was running and I had an epiphany.  I realized my revenge is unfounded.  My ex has many trials that he will need to deal with the rest of his life.  I do not NEED revenge.  I can be happy and healthy and whole!  Ever since this realization, (which by the way, was told to me several months ago, but I was not ready to hear it.  I needed to come to this conclusion in my own time and in my own way.) I have been at peace.  I am not angry anymore and I am ready to be happy, to make my life the way I want it, I am excited!

This weekend was my daughters party.  I so dreaded this party before.  Thank goodness my sense of peace overcame me before this day.  He felt really awkward at her party.  I let him stew in his awkwardness for a bit (I still think the reality of his decisions need to be felt) and then I saved him and invited him to sit next to me and encouraged him to enjoy his daughters birthday party.  2 weeks ago this would not have been possible for me.  So things are looking up!  I have no disillusions that there will be another ride down the hill of this rollercoaster called divorce but for now I am going to enjoy inner peace!   

New outlook

On Thursday I went with my friend and her son to the river.  We went to one of my favorite spots about an hour and a half away.  It was perfect not too hot and a breeze.  L and her friend were playing in the water together and having fun.  In the middle of the river is a large rock that people jump off of.  L and her friend were playing at the base of the rock.  There was a kid at the top of the rock with a large rock.  I imagine that he carried it up there to throw it off and make a big splash.  However he lost control of it and it rolled down the jumping rock and smacked L right in the head before making its splash.  L was a little stunned at first and then the blood curdling scream started.  My friend and I swam out to her and brought her back to shore.  She immediately had this huge goose egg at her temple.  We got some ice on it and decided our day at the river was over.  I carried my petite 60 lb. girl the 1/2 mile hike out.  When we got to the car she threw up so we made the decision to take her to the ER.  The Dr. decided he wanted to do a CAT scan to make sure she didn't have a fracture around her eye socket.  All turned out well, she had a slight concussion, but nothing major.  It however scared me.  Just a moment in time that could have turned out very different.  I was reminded of the fleetingness (I don't think that's a word) of life and I decided I needed to be a better parent.  Not that I could have avoided that event at all, but that I needed to suck it up and start co-parenting our daughter.  I needed to leave my animosity towards the ex at the door and do what is best for my girl.  So I am trying.  I called him and we had a good conversation about the incident.   We had some communication about some stuff going on with our finances that went well.  He came to pick her up today and it was hard to keep the momentum up, but I did my best and will continue.  Am I still angry, hell yes, but what purpose does it serve to project my anger on him.  He is who he is.  He showed me who he is a long time ago.  It isn't his fault I chose not to listen.  Since this conscience choice I have not been all consumed in thought.  I've had moments where I haven't thought of him at all.  Do I think I'm out of the woods, not at all, but I can sure try to do what is right by Lily and set the anger aside as much as possible. 

Distraction

I think the hardest part of this experience is losing control.  I like to be in control of my life.  I like to be able to control the outcome of situations.  I like to feel as if I am steering the vessel of my life.  Ever since alcoholism and drug addiction entered my life I have not been at the helm of the ship.  I've been bailing the water out of someone else's ship.  I've been living with someone else's life choices and someone else's mistakes.  When I sent him to rehab I felt as if I had taken my life back.  When I separated our finances I liberated myself and became the master of my own vessel, but then he walked out and I lost complete control.   When he got out of rehab I was cautious and angry, but also hopeful that the worst was behind us and we would finally be able to move on.  And we did move on.  The movement just was not in the direction I wanted.  So now I feel adrift again like I can not catch the wind in the right direction.  And that wind carries constant thoughts of him.  Divorce, divorce, divorce, I can not escape the thoughts.  Distraction is my friend.  These last two weeks have been particularly difficult because distraction has been fleeting at best.  Next week and the week after I work Monday-Wednesday.  Next Thursday I will go to Laguna beach for some time with my friend and her son.  Then I will go camping.  I don't know that I can really afford these things.  I know my savings should be saved for lawyers or mediators.  Right now I can not bring myself to file for divorce.  I know I should be flying there to sever ties before he does any more damage to my credit but I just can not seem to gather the will.  It just seems so overwhelming.  Everything right now is just overwhelming.  Distraction is my friend.

forgiveness

I am on this up and down roller coaster of emotion right now.  Earlier in the week I was sure I needed a shirt that said "Warning: constant eye leakage"  It isn't exactly that I would want my ex back,  I want a better future for myself.  I want stability, I want a bank account that doesn't roll to zero before the next payday, I don't want to worry about what is coming into my home,  I don't want to worry about whether or not I'm being lied to, I'd like to retire one day, I'd like to one day own a home again.  I'd like for all those hopes and dreams I had before I stood up and said I do to come true.  What I am mourning is the loss of my family.  I hate that my family has become another statistic.  I hate that L is hurting and this time I caused the pain.  The pain that she feels about being adopted is heart breaking but I can come at it from this level headed calm sort of place because it is not pain I caused.  I can not fully understand it but I can empathize from a place of pure comfort and support because whether she lived with me or another family her beginning would have been the same.  But this, this is totally different.  My own emotion is so wrapped in it that I have trouble separating it not getting emotional right with her.  I was thinking the other day that perhaps I could forgive and that I could be cordial when he gets back from his vacation.  I ultimately would like that, but here is the thing.  I am once again left to pick up the pieces of his impulsive behavior, because I am the safe one.  I am the one who will always be here for our daughter.  I am the one she feels comfortable raging at and crying with and being downright mean to.  He is not her stability, I am.  So just like during his days of being an addict here I sit mending the pieces.  Only I am mending the pieces of a very sad and angry little girl.  Who has abandonment issues and who has just been abandoned again.  Don't get me wrong he is still a part of her life, but it doesn't change the fact that she feels abandoned.  As she cried into my chest after I had to take away her electronics yet again for yelling at me.  I let her stew in it and then we had a real conversation about what we are really upset about and she cried into my chest about how she doesn't want her daddy to leave her.  She wants him back here.  She doesn't want us to be broken up.  And I just held her while she cried.  I did good this time not letting my own wave of emotion come.  I know we will get through it but I can not expect my anger at this horrible situation to dissipate anytime soon.  I need to give myself time.  I've been practicing changing my thought process.  Most of the time I can do this.  Like on the fourth of July when I was the only single girl amid a bunch of couples, or the phone call I got about L going to visit her relatives from Oregon who are in town.  My sister in law who happens to be my former best friend.  For a moment I felt the wave of sadness before I realized I should be celebrating not having to go and deal with that uncomfortable situation.  It is liberating being able to do that.  So most of the time I can frame my train of thought in a different way and feel much better, but not when it comes to my baby.  I can not do it yet.  I am however able to encourage her to call her dad.  I am able to talk about her dad without any trace of anger when she needs to speak about him.  I am able to maneuver the give and take of the custody stuff.  I am able to encourage her relationship with all her relatives on that side of the family.  I am trying to do the best I can for her and make it as easy as I possibly can for her sake. For now that is the best I can do and for now it is enough.