Let's be done!

My anger..... I'm done with it, over it, put a fork in me I am DONE DONE DONE! When I lost Luci I remember trudging through the murky sludge and wondering when the fuck will I feel normal.  When will I feel like I've put this thing behind me.  I am in this same exact fucking place now.  It's hard to get over something when it is always here.  I'm not sure how people move on.  I'm not sure how they get past it.  I read all these stories of woman who handle this so much better than I am.  They find outlets for their anger that are not their ex.  They run, or knit or I don't fucking know.  It's not helping all those external outlets are not helping.  I'm combative and uncooperative with him because he hurt me.  Because he just got to move on and leave his daughter behind.  He's left me with every ounce of responsibility.  I find myself so very scared that I will be alone forever.  What if I get some debilitating disease?  Who will help me through it?  Who will tell me it's going to be ok?  Most of all if something happens to me who will love my baby girl like she deserves to be loved?  I'm seeing someone again and for some reason this just makes me lonelier because there is not actually time to see someone.  How do I move on when I have Wednesday and Thursday nights to myself and nothing else.  No one understands my schedule.  They don't really understand that I had no other choice.  My child is the most important thing and her father is not trust worthy and does not really want to spend time with her.  By forcing him to spend time he does not want with his child how does that make me a good parent.  It makes me someone who chooses me first and I do not get to do that.   Furthermore if I force him to have more time and then he starts using again where am I then.  I wont be able to take it back and then my child will be in danger. I know that sounds dramatic but recovered addicts are truly like a ticking time bomb and he is not in any sort of continued treatment plan.  So I have to find a way to make the choice I made work for me.  I made this schedule.  I made the schedule in which allows him to do whatever he damn well pleases whenever he fucking wants.  I gave him the single no responsibilities life he craves.  And I'm angry about it.  Just like I thought he should fight for me and our marriage I also wanted him to fight for his child.  It disgusts me that 2 evenings a week is enough for him.  It disgusts me that he thinks that this is parenting.  If I have to hear what a great dad he is one more time I think I just might explode into a zillion tiny pieces.   But that aside this was still my choice.  It wasn't the easiest choice, but it was the one that made the most sense.  I can not change who he is.  I have to find a way to accept my circumstance and move on.  I have to find a way to not be so lonely in my world.  I have to find a way to release the anger because it is not helping.  It's not helping me, or my child, or my relationship with the asshat I'm supposed to be co-parenting with.  I use that word parenting in the loosest of terms.  

A Year

As of yesterday it has been a year since P moved out of my home.  As of May 7th I am officially a divorced woman.  Funny story the piece of paper from the court came in the mail.  It came really, really fast.  Our lawyer told us that it would take 6 weeks to 3 months to reach the end.  When that piece of paper came in the mail it came 2 weeks after I signed the final paperwork.  So I just figured that it meant that the court had received my paperwork.  2 weeks later I was talking to my friend about being almost divorced.  She said what do you mean almost, you ARE divorced.  I said what do you mean?  She said that piece of paper you received that WAS the final paper.  Lucky she cleared that business up or I'd still be awaiting the arrival of my final document.  So 2 weeks after my actual divorce I got to celebrate!  I also turned 40 in the last few months.  40 just feels good.  It feels like this rebirth and this chance to start over.  To do stuff (life) the right way now.  Yesterday on the 1 year anniversary he texted me to ask if his girlfriend could have my bike.  I shit you not, that really happened!  My friend often tells me in the realm of dating,well, now you know everything you need to know.  Thank you P for reminding me that I DO know all I need to know about you!  Sometimes I wish I'd listened earlier, but I wasn't finished learning the lesson.  I'm not going to continue beating myself up for being a slow learner.  I'm much quicker now. I'm proud of myself for not having to tell him everything wrong with asking if his girlfriend could have my bike.  I'm proud of myself for not starting an argument.  I simply texted the word no. Then laughed for like an hour because the fact that he had the cahones to ask that question is really funny!  I'm getting better.  Less angry.  Less resentful. I allow him to affect my day much less than I did before.   

On the dating front:
I dated a guy for a bit.  He lasted 3 months.  He was nice, but not THE one.  I found myself not wanting to drop myself back into the dating pool.  I found myself wondering if I could hang on a little longer. It was nice to have someone to cuddle with and watch a movie with.  It was nice to have someone care how my day was.  I finally took the plunge and broke it off.  I didn't implode.  I'm OK with being solo.  I'm super happy with my decision not to settle.  In my 40's I'm going to do for me.  To live for me.  I'm going to get the big things right. This includes not sticking with someone just because I don't want to be alone!  Truth I'm not often alone since I have my girl most of the time.
Speaking of that, that makes dating kinda hard, but I truly would have it no other way.  I went through a time where I was resentful.  It just seemed so damn unfair that her dad gets to jet off to Monterrey, Tahoe.....where ever the hell he pleases each and every weekend with his lady love and I am here raising our child. Then I woke up to the fact that I have the biggest blessing on earth and he handed it to me.  I will never look back on my life and think gee I wish I spent more time with my daughter!  It is truly the biggest gift of my divorce.  If the right guy comes along he will deal with my lack of free time and understand that my child comes first.  He will actually love me for that fact.  All others need not apply :0).   
So I'm doing really, really great!  Oh and I decided that Lily and I must go back to Maui!  My friend her boyfriend and her son are going for the 4th.  They invited me.  It is really out of character for me to go.  I thought about being on this romantic vacation with a newly in love couple.  They are staying at a fancy resort.  I didn't want to pay for the fancy resort.  I almost let this keep me home.  Then I thought about the beach, the sunsets and sunrises, how happy my girl was in Maui.  How it marked the rebirth of my life last year, and I knew that I couldn't let silly things keep me away.  So Lily and I are heading back.  We are staying in a less expensive place and it's kinda like we are traveling alone and that is fine by me.  She is my sidekick and it is Maui and we will have a rockin' good time.  I'm proud of myself for doing something out of character!  After all that is what this year has been all about.  It has reigned nothing but good fortune on me!

Crazy Making

I am having a lot of trouble.  The temptation of social media is sometimes really intense.  Occasionally I have to remind myself who I am, what kind of person I'd like to be.  Sometimes it is my mantra over and over again in my head. He told me a few weeks ago he'd like L to meet his girlfriend of 6-8 weeks (by my estimation).  I told him it was really early on and could he please wait a bit.  He said no because they'd be moving in together in July.  I asked if he could forgo sleepovers until L knew this person well.  I didn't think it fair she slept in a strange house in a strange room with a stranger.  His response was of course.  L will know E very well before a sleepover happens.  L and I went to ice cream with the girlfriend.  The following Wednesday they had dinner at her house.  Those are the only meetings that have occurred.  Yesterday he asked if he could be late picking L up because he needed to run to his house and pick some things up.  I knew something was up so I said, "Are you and L not staying at your house?" He said no we are not.  I am so livid.  He gave me his word, but his word means nothing.  The well being of our child means nothing.  He is the only person that matters.  He only thinks of himself. Every time I try to reason with him that perhaps this is not good role modeling.  Perhaps this is not good parenting he tells me I'm mean.  Or my favorite "text me back when you're not PMSing."  I can't understand how I married this person.  This is exactly like when he was drinking.  He would yell at me about how crazy I was to deflect his immature behavior.  I am beaten, torn, splayed open on the floor.  I just want him to go away leave us alone.   Today is one of those days I wish I'd just walked away in the midst of his alcoholism.  Let him meet his own demise.  The thanks I get for saving his life is more than I can bare.  It's more than our daughter should have to shoulder.  I wrote the woman a letter regarding L. I told her about adoption terminology, attachment disorders, L's learning disability. I was gracious and kind.  Who knows if she got it.  Who knows if she read it.  I only hope she is kind and gentle and a better person than my ex.

Hoping I'm enough

I have discovered the problem with being the ex wife of an addict.  I don't think he's fallen off the wagon, but all the behaviors of an addict are still ever present.  When I started on the journey to get him sober I remember thinking if only.  If only he stops drinking it will be so much better.  If only he kicks the pill habit it will be so much better.  Here is what I have learned.  Addicts are addicts are addicts.  It does not matter if you take the substance away the behaviors still exist.  It is really very sad.  Mostly it is sad for my daughter.  She is beginning to understand that on the list of important things in his life she is not on the top.  A few weeks ago she came back from his house crying.  She said I think daddy has a new girlfriend.  I don't think I'm important to him.  I think she will take my place.  At that time I told her that will never happen!!  I defended him telling her that even if he has another lady in his life she would still be very, very important to him.  Then it started becoming so apparent that my words just did not ring true.  That her best interest was no where near the forefront of his thought.  That being a good role model is not on the list of what a father is.  My heart is breaking for my little girl who deserves so much more.  The self centered, selfish behavior of an addict is here it is in our face and it is ravaging us with a vengeance.  You see the substance doesn't really matter if the person isn't going to do the work, those behaviors are ingrained.  I'm so happy to not be living with him, but it doesn't stop those behaviors from entering my safe place.  Without spewing his personal information here, because this blog is not about vengeance, I will say that I have limited his access to her to two evenings a week.  I did this and told him I thought MY priorities were out of whack. I so hope that we can get the custody paperwork drawn and this agreement will stick.  The other day the conversation came up again about her feeling unimportant in his world and I couldn't deny it.  All I could say is, I am so sorry you feel that way.  I love you and you will always be important to me.  Each night before she goes to sleep I repeat these words to her.  I love you.  You will always be important to me!  All I can hope for is that I am enough!  All I can do is be the best role model possible.  All I can do is love her like a vengeance!  I was for awhile trying to make him parent.  It was funny really because it was our marriage playing out all over again.  I wanted to make sure he didn't walk away.  I wanted to make sure he was not one more person in her life to leave her.  I've finally discovered it's not my place.  I can not make him be a father.  Even if I force him to spend time with her, I can not force him to parent.  So I am done.  This week was terrible.  My emotions are everywhere.  I absolutely lost my cool. Which is never good.  It never feels good.  It never accomplishes anything.  It never is the release I hope it will be, but I am human, and I'm allowed to make mistakes!  The best I can do is learn from it and be better next time.  Please send us positive thoughts as we really need them right now.  Please send positive thoughts that I can be enough to fill a broken little girl who has experienced more loss than any little person deserves.  I fear the worst is yet to come.  Please pray that I can handle whatever lies ahead with dignity and grace. 

Happy New Year (almost)

Wow, am I glad to see this year leaving.  Was it a horrible year?  Actually, not really!  It was a year of change and new learning's.  It was a year of self discovery and a year of empowerment.  Really, this year was just an extension of the past three years.  It was an extension of the downhill race I started on when I sent my ex to rehab that propelled me, catapulted me really, on this path where I get to be who I was meant to be.  I thought the holidays would be horrible, but you know what, they were great.  I'm learning the saying, life is what you make of it, is so true.  These past 10 years I could have crawled under a rock and decided life is just too hard! 6 miscarriages an alcoholic husband are nothing to scoff at, but what fun would it be to crawl under a rock.  What fun is it to live in a funk.  I can't change the past I can only move forward.  It's really the only direction there is.  I get to make 2015 whatever I want.  It will be my 40th year on this earth and there is not a single reason to make it anything but fabulous.  Will shit happen? Absolutely!  Will I struggle?  Probably!  Will I still be happy?  Why the hell not!

So what made the holidays great?  Well first off they happened on my terms.  I got to buy what I wanted!  I got to go where I wanted and spend them with whomever I damn well pleased.  No one was looking at their watch waiting to leave.  L spent Christmas eve with her dad.  They went to his parents house.  I was so fabulously, gloriously, happy I didn't have to go!  I didn't have to spend my day in their cigarette smelling, sour food dwelling!  I spent my day shopping and wrapping and then I went with my best friend for dinner and drinks.  It was perfection!  After dinner I picked up my girl we put out milk and cookies and went to bed.  Christmas morning her dad came over for breakfast which was mildly painful for me, but it was her favorite part of the day.  I'm glad I was able to do that for her.  Then we spent all day at my brothers house.  Once again no one checking their watch!

In other news I've started dating.  Something else I've thought would be dreadful, but really it's pretty fun.  I get to practice meeting new people! I get to dress up! I usually get free food and drinks.  Is every date wonderful certainly not, but it makes for some good stories.  I've decided it is pretty much for entertainment value.  I give them each funny names and they each come with funny stories.  I'm not looking for anything super serious right now.  I'm just having fun and being entertained.  L is not ready for me to date.  I realize L will never be ready, but I'm respecting that she needs time to adjust and heal and I'll give that to her.  So for now dating is purely entertainment. It is also me figuring out what it is that I want.  What my red flags really are.  My first internet date I met the guy at a bar.  The bar tenders knew him by name and he was drinking whiskey and ice.  He may have been a nice guy, but that date lasted 20 minutes and I was OUT as fast as I could go.  A red flag!!!!  On another date I went out with this super attractive guy.  HE WAS HOT! He spent that whole date talking about how he still loved his ex.  FOR AN HOUR!  Usually I'll offer to help pay, but not that time I charge for therapy buddy :0).  So you see you just can't take it too seriously and have fun with it.

Here's to wishing us all a very, very happy 2015!  Whatever happens there is strength in knowing it will all be OK!

Merry Christmas

So I bought myself a Christmas present!  Well I actually bought myself several :0).  But this particular present means a lot to me.  I got rid of my bed.  This is the first thing he and I bought together as a married couple.  I survived 12 years of marriage and 6 miscarriages in this bed.  I spent many a sleepless night in this bed wondering how I was going to survive my marriage.  Wondering how I was going to keep my daughter safe.  Wondering just how my life got so off track. I grieved Luciana in this bed.

I can not tell you the thrill of watching the men carry it out of my home.  The relief of seeing this gone gone gone!  It is a truly Merry Christmas to me!  Proof that I am starting over and making my life exactly what I want it to be!

Next week L is going with her Dad to Oregon.  She is going to have a wonderful time.  Send some positive thoughts my way, it will be the longest I've ever been without her.

Have a truly Merry Christmas my friends.

Feeling better

It's been ugly around here.  I have not been able to write.  I was afraid of what I may spew on this page.  All I saw was red for a period of time and all I wanted was revenge.  I am not a vengeful person,  I am also a deeply forgiving person but I did not feel either of these virtues.  I knew this person I was, was not who I wanted to be, but I couldn't help it.  I could not help but remind my ex what an idiot I thought he was every chance I got.  I would pep talk myself as I drove to his house that I would be cordial.  I would tell myself I could do this and then I would get to his driveway and just see red.  Thankfully text messages made my crusade silent as far as L was concerned.  She was not exposed to my tirade, however she was exposed by the tense interactions between the two of us. 

I started training for a half marathon again.  This once again has been my saving grace.  To pound my anger on the pavement has been life saving.  One day I was running and I had an epiphany.  I realized my revenge is unfounded.  My ex has many trials that he will need to deal with the rest of his life.  I do not NEED revenge.  I can be happy and healthy and whole!  Ever since this realization, (which by the way, was told to me several months ago, but I was not ready to hear it.  I needed to come to this conclusion in my own time and in my own way.) I have been at peace.  I am not angry anymore and I am ready to be happy, to make my life the way I want it, I am excited!

This weekend was my daughters party.  I so dreaded this party before.  Thank goodness my sense of peace overcame me before this day.  He felt really awkward at her party.  I let him stew in his awkwardness for a bit (I still think the reality of his decisions need to be felt) and then I saved him and invited him to sit next to me and encouraged him to enjoy his daughters birthday party.  2 weeks ago this would not have been possible for me.  So things are looking up!  I have no disillusions that there will be another ride down the hill of this rollercoaster called divorce but for now I am going to enjoy inner peace!