THROUGH

There is a saying about grief.  The only way out is through.  I'm familiar with the process.  I did it when I found out I couldn't have children, I did it when we lost Luci and again while he was in rehab.  I know there is another side.  I know I will look back at this time and revel at the lessons learned and the strength of character I gained, but right now I just see grief as this black serpent coming to get me.  There are times I win the war and times he is able to spindle his writhing body around my own and hold on.  Today was one of those days.  I woke up to the stark reality that I am alone.  That the king bed I inhabit is mine and mine alone.  The bathroom with two sinks they're all mine too.  The mess left in the garage and the sink in the kitchen that is clogged mine, mine, mine.  I let myself cry it out and then expected that spindly snake to let me be.  I fought it at first.  I made my lists of tasks to accomplish.  I fixed the half ass paint job in the bedroom.  I unclogged the sink.  I called and got a better rate on car insurance.  But as each task was done he didn't let go, today he held on the whole damn day.  So today I let him have me.  I turned on the television, put my rattiest pajamas on, felt a little sorry for myself, let my eyes leak at random.  Today I let grief have me by the neck.  So Mr. Black Serpent you've had your day.  Tomorrow you may not have me back.  Tomorrow I will enjoy my day at the river with my friends and revel in the fact that it is summer vacation.  I know there will be other days like today.  I know the serpent isn't done with me by a long shot, but you see I'll let him have his way every once in awhile, but I refuse to be the victim in this scenario.  I will walk through this with my head held high.  If the only way out is through, through it we shall go.

perspective and some sleep

L woke up on Friday morning and felt much better.  She was able to stay with her dad and have a good time.  I am happy for her.  I was also able to have a good time.  The river is my spot.  It's beauty and refreshing properties have always been my recharging place.  It flows downstream with it's constant rebirth of water.  Each second it is on refresh.  I am on refresh at the moment.  I went to the river with my bestie.  She has been my lifeline throughout this entire experience.  She also has been burned and knows what I am going through.  She was able to deal with custody of their son with class and she is my roll model.  I am so very, very thankful for her.   So we went to the river with 6 people and me.  3 couples and I.  I had a few minutes that I felt sad for my uncoupled status.  I felt myself going down that woe is me path especially with the previous nights events.  Then I thought about my last 2 fourth of July's.  Yes they were with my girl, but I was not with a partner.  In fact most of my married life I did these functions on my own. That was because of my ex's work schedule and not his affliction, on the rare occasion that we went together I was either embarrassed by the end and trying to get us to leave or uncomfortable because alcohol was around and it was awkward.  He felt awkward and made me feel awkward.   So I shrugged it off and enjoyed the rest of my day.  I let the river do it's job of refreshing.  Now L is here for two weeks without sharing cause her dad is on vacation and we shall do some refreshing river time together.  I shall enjoy my time without maneuvering the custody stuff.  Hey maybe he will just move to Oregon.  Just kidding, sort of...........

Pain

I had the most enjoyable day!  I went to brunch with some new friends and out to dinner with an old friend.  I left both those places feeling at peace and happy and like things were going to be ok.  I got home turned on the tv and planned to relax and go to bed, but I got the phone call via facetime.  The one I've been dreading.  The mommy I miss you and I want to come home.  The why can't you and Daddy be together.  The I don't like this.  The I don't want to leave Daddy, but I want to be with you. The I've never spent 3 nights away from you.  Most of the time she held the phone above her face so I couldn't see it.  At first I did good.  I told her I was sorry.  I told her Daddy and I loved her.  I told her adults sometimes have problems they can not fix and Daddy and I would be living apart.  Every once in awhile she would put the phone in front of her face and I would see the heartbreak there.  God I want to fix it.  I want to make her whole again.  I want to take away the world that is causing her pain.   For the first 5 minutes I was strong for her and then I just cracked  and the flood gates opened and I started crying and she told me she was sorry and she cried too.  I told her not to be sorry that it was ok.  That I was ok.  That she would be ok too.  Right now I hate him.  With every fiber of my being I hate him. I hate him for putting me in a situation where I can not hug my baby when she's hurting.  I hate him for causing me so much pain, but mostly I hate him for causing my child pain.  Right now I want to make him hurt.  I want to make him hurt like I hurt.  I want to make him hurt for her.  Understand I won't do anything vicious or mean or vindictive.  I am a level headed girl.   Please send my girl happy thoughts and prayers she needs them.  Send some my way too.  I  need them too.

Alone

The man in the house has been gone for about 2 months.  In the beginning I was working.  I was so busy it was a  breath of fresh air to come to the surface and have a little solace.  I love, love the summer, but this summer is stretched out before me.  L left today and is staying 3 nights with her dad.  They took the dog, because it makes L feel better.  It is the first holiday in 8 years I will be without her.  I didn't buy a cute fourth of July outfit and make plans to take pictures and hug her through the big booms.  I immediately texted every person I know and tried to fill the space where she usually is.  I filled each day with something, but tonight I am alone.  I filled my home with music and am eating Brussels sprouts.  Something in my home  that is largely frowned upon.  I'll watch a movie without interruption. I'll read my book.  Perhaps I'll fix the half ass painting job that was done so many months ago.  I will be fine and tomorrow I will not be alone.  For today though sharing my girl sucks.

My own PSA

I recorded Dr. Oz today. Dr. Oz really annoys me.  I know he has his followers but he is just one of those people I can not stand.  In my opinion there is something disingenuous about him.  Anyways the reason that I recorded him is because his show was about heroin use and the suburban mom.  Now don't get too worried I'm not going to become a junky.  However I am very familiar with the decline.  I am very familiar with what might make someone a junky.  If only 3 or 4 years ago I could have known this information.  I remember looking at my ex's eyes on so many occasions and thinking wow that just looks off.  I am naïve, really, really naïve.  I thought that all drugs made your pupils dilate.  I had caught him several times taking prescription meds, but told myself (because remember I was not ready) that he had stopped.  I would look up opiates and symptoms of taking them and it never listed pupil constriction.  Nor did I ever find a website that said the use of opiates leads to the use of heroin.  I even had an app on my phone that would tell me what a pill was by putting color shape and numbers in.  Yes my friends there is an app for everything.  And why should I, or any other suburban mother, know this information.  Well because if it could happen to me it could happen to anyone.  And it's not just suburban moms it's everyone from children to the elderly no one is safe.  Luckily I got fed up before heroin came into our home.  At least I think I did.  Luckily for my family even in its crumpled disjointed fashion there is sobriety.  You know what else I learned from the time someone becomes addicted to opiates (which if you are naïve like me include any prescription pain killers) to their demise is 3 years.  I believe that I saved my ex's life.  I didn't get much of a consolation prize.  I take that back ,yes I did, my daughter has a father.  That may be the best prize ever!  And thank you Dr. Oz I now know if the ex comes around with constricted pupils we've taken a fall.  I guess I'll cut ya a break.

Getting Real

I am writing this here so that I don't forget.  I think as time moves it begins to lesson the severity of things.  You know like childbirth.  I am all about moving forward but I also don't want a false sense of security either.  In 2012/2013 my ex made some decisions that led to the demise of our marriage.  He was always a risk taker.  He was always a drinker but the drinking got more and more extreme until it spiraled completely out of control.  In 2013 I was not quite ready to be honest with myself so instead of deal with the calamity in front of me I tried to get pregnant.  I made all kinds of deals with myself as my life spun out of control.  I really wanted a bigger family and I rationalized that I was getting too old to wait.  In the same token I was telling myself that I would wait to leave until my daughter was older and I could explain to her how to keep herself safe. Looking back on that time I think what were you thinking, but I wasn't, I was grasping and holding on for dear life.  Rational thought left the building until much later.  In October of 2013 there was a family birthday party where my ex got completely out of control and embarrassed me and made a fool of himself.  My dad pulled me aside and said I think your husband is an alcoholic.  This brought me completely to my senses.  My secret was not well kept.  The next week I found out my, ignore the calamity and get pregnant ,came to fruition and the stick turned pink.  Thankfully my body did what it always does and I miscarried.  Once I gathered myself I steeled myself for the road ahead.  Still not sure 100% how to proceed.  I was so very scared.  Scared if I just walked away he would hurt my child.  Scared that if he was alone with her something would happen.  Then things spiraled further out of control and I told him to leave.  He came back with all kinds of ideas mostly around being just a social drinker.  I held my ground and he told me he needed til his birthday and then he would enter rehab.  In the course of time I found that alcohol was not his only poison and hoped and prayed I could get him to rehab.  I agreed to his terms because rehab was now on the table.  It is not pretty getting someone into rehab.  He was angry and abusive.  Not physically, but I was called some pretty horrible names and told some pretty horrible things about myself, but I kept persevering.  Telling myself I could make it to his birthday.  Then he did something I could not forgive and I kicked him out and I stood my ground.  I knew I could keep my girl safe and I would go to any measures to do so.  I was finally ready.  He went to rehab the next day and completed a 30 day stint.  It was a terrible time for my daughter.  We had no money she was a wreck and I didn't know what to do.  Luckily I have a very, very good support system. I was able to improve my situation and readied myself for the high likelihood that he would not stay sober.  I separated our bank accounts and stood on my own two feet.  I decided never again would I allow myself to be in my previous situation.   We made it through the 30 days and I stood by my husband hoping and praying for everyone's sake he would stay sober.  We went to counseling and I told him my terms to continue our relationship.  1. He must stay sober.  2. He must be responsible for his finances. (Our finances were already destroyed and I wanted to start over) 3.No more lying. (This is a symptom of being an alcoholic.)  Right away he blew my second condition.  He bought a car he absolutely could not afford and was not even remotely a family car.   He promised me he could handle the payments and things would be different.  I have to give him credit because he has stayed sober and that is no small feat, but he was not able to afford his car.  It took 18 months for me to figure out just how much he could not afford his car.  In the midst of 18 months condition number 3 was not kept and he began lying in order to cover up the fact that he was once again spiraling out of control but in a different way. Now he has moved out and I am tasked with really starting over.  Really finding out who I am.  Sending him to rehab instilled a confidence in me that I will be forever grateful for.  I am not weak or broken but strong and fierce.  I am ready for the future and what lies ahead.  I'll continue to write here.  I really think my story might help other people.  I am thankful for so many things.  I am mostly thankful for my career.  Without it all of this would be so much harder.   I've lost some friends and gained some friends along the way but I have a big support system and I will make it out of this and I'll be better off. 

Coming Out from behind the veil of PRIVATE

I made this blog private because I didn't want to be judged for trying again.  I needed a safe place to vent.  I decided this blog does not need to be private.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I have nothing to hide.  I have dealt with lifes curve balls the best I can.  Perhaps someone feeling lost will come upon this blog and find comfort in the fact that even with the heartbreak of infertility a family can still be had.  Not everyday is a good one and I will always carry what I call my wounds.  They are mostly covered and rarely rear the head of grief but on occasion they show the rawness that infertility brings.  My story is different from some and the same as others.  The wounds I carry are not unique not even really profound.

I used to get angry at myself for not just getting on with it already.  My perception has now changed.  If you stuff the emotions they will come out some other way.  On a friend or a family member or worse your child.  So you just have to walk through the emotion when it comes.  Sit with awhile if need be.  Recently I did just that.  My friend is pregnant with her second child.  I'm very appreciative that she tells me this news by way of email.  I will always need a moment to process.  It is not because I am mean or vindictive.  Only that I wish it were us.  My baby would have been born sometime this summer.  Hers will be born in the fall.  It would have been so fun to do this together.  So this time I just aloud myself the moment to grieve what I've lost time and time again.  I took my moment  in the bathroom with the door closed and then I wiped my tears and moved on.  I love my friend and I will love both her children like they are family.  I will happily attend her shower and I will be excited to take part in this new babies life.  From now on I will just allow myself the minute let myself have a good ugly cry and then carry on.  Cause that's all any of us can do is carry on.  It does me no good to do the if only, I wish game.