Merry Christmas

So I bought myself a Christmas present!  Well I actually bought myself several :0).  But this particular present means a lot to me.  I got rid of my bed.  This is the first thing he and I bought together as a married couple.  I survived 12 years of marriage and 6 miscarriages in this bed.  I spent many a sleepless night in this bed wondering how I was going to survive my marriage.  Wondering how I was going to keep my daughter safe.  Wondering just how my life got so off track. I grieved Luciana in this bed.

I can not tell you the thrill of watching the men carry it out of my home.  The relief of seeing this gone gone gone!  It is a truly Merry Christmas to me!  Proof that I am starting over and making my life exactly what I want it to be!

Next week L is going with her Dad to Oregon.  She is going to have a wonderful time.  Send some positive thoughts my way, it will be the longest I've ever been without her.

Have a truly Merry Christmas my friends.

Feeling better

It's been ugly around here.  I have not been able to write.  I was afraid of what I may spew on this page.  All I saw was red for a period of time and all I wanted was revenge.  I am not a vengeful person,  I am also a deeply forgiving person but I did not feel either of these virtues.  I knew this person I was, was not who I wanted to be, but I couldn't help it.  I could not help but remind my ex what an idiot I thought he was every chance I got.  I would pep talk myself as I drove to his house that I would be cordial.  I would tell myself I could do this and then I would get to his driveway and just see red.  Thankfully text messages made my crusade silent as far as L was concerned.  She was not exposed to my tirade, however she was exposed by the tense interactions between the two of us. 

I started training for a half marathon again.  This once again has been my saving grace.  To pound my anger on the pavement has been life saving.  One day I was running and I had an epiphany.  I realized my revenge is unfounded.  My ex has many trials that he will need to deal with the rest of his life.  I do not NEED revenge.  I can be happy and healthy and whole!  Ever since this realization, (which by the way, was told to me several months ago, but I was not ready to hear it.  I needed to come to this conclusion in my own time and in my own way.) I have been at peace.  I am not angry anymore and I am ready to be happy, to make my life the way I want it, I am excited!

This weekend was my daughters party.  I so dreaded this party before.  Thank goodness my sense of peace overcame me before this day.  He felt really awkward at her party.  I let him stew in his awkwardness for a bit (I still think the reality of his decisions need to be felt) and then I saved him and invited him to sit next to me and encouraged him to enjoy his daughters birthday party.  2 weeks ago this would not have been possible for me.  So things are looking up!  I have no disillusions that there will be another ride down the hill of this rollercoaster called divorce but for now I am going to enjoy inner peace!   

New outlook

On Thursday I went with my friend and her son to the river.  We went to one of my favorite spots about an hour and a half away.  It was perfect not too hot and a breeze.  L and her friend were playing in the water together and having fun.  In the middle of the river is a large rock that people jump off of.  L and her friend were playing at the base of the rock.  There was a kid at the top of the rock with a large rock.  I imagine that he carried it up there to throw it off and make a big splash.  However he lost control of it and it rolled down the jumping rock and smacked L right in the head before making its splash.  L was a little stunned at first and then the blood curdling scream started.  My friend and I swam out to her and brought her back to shore.  She immediately had this huge goose egg at her temple.  We got some ice on it and decided our day at the river was over.  I carried my petite 60 lb. girl the 1/2 mile hike out.  When we got to the car she threw up so we made the decision to take her to the ER.  The Dr. decided he wanted to do a CAT scan to make sure she didn't have a fracture around her eye socket.  All turned out well, she had a slight concussion, but nothing major.  It however scared me.  Just a moment in time that could have turned out very different.  I was reminded of the fleetingness (I don't think that's a word) of life and I decided I needed to be a better parent.  Not that I could have avoided that event at all, but that I needed to suck it up and start co-parenting our daughter.  I needed to leave my animosity towards the ex at the door and do what is best for my girl.  So I am trying.  I called him and we had a good conversation about the incident.   We had some communication about some stuff going on with our finances that went well.  He came to pick her up today and it was hard to keep the momentum up, but I did my best and will continue.  Am I still angry, hell yes, but what purpose does it serve to project my anger on him.  He is who he is.  He showed me who he is a long time ago.  It isn't his fault I chose not to listen.  Since this conscience choice I have not been all consumed in thought.  I've had moments where I haven't thought of him at all.  Do I think I'm out of the woods, not at all, but I can sure try to do what is right by Lily and set the anger aside as much as possible. 

Distraction

I think the hardest part of this experience is losing control.  I like to be in control of my life.  I like to be able to control the outcome of situations.  I like to feel as if I am steering the vessel of my life.  Ever since alcoholism and drug addiction entered my life I have not been at the helm of the ship.  I've been bailing the water out of someone else's ship.  I've been living with someone else's life choices and someone else's mistakes.  When I sent him to rehab I felt as if I had taken my life back.  When I separated our finances I liberated myself and became the master of my own vessel, but then he walked out and I lost complete control.   When he got out of rehab I was cautious and angry, but also hopeful that the worst was behind us and we would finally be able to move on.  And we did move on.  The movement just was not in the direction I wanted.  So now I feel adrift again like I can not catch the wind in the right direction.  And that wind carries constant thoughts of him.  Divorce, divorce, divorce, I can not escape the thoughts.  Distraction is my friend.  These last two weeks have been particularly difficult because distraction has been fleeting at best.  Next week and the week after I work Monday-Wednesday.  Next Thursday I will go to Laguna beach for some time with my friend and her son.  Then I will go camping.  I don't know that I can really afford these things.  I know my savings should be saved for lawyers or mediators.  Right now I can not bring myself to file for divorce.  I know I should be flying there to sever ties before he does any more damage to my credit but I just can not seem to gather the will.  It just seems so overwhelming.  Everything right now is just overwhelming.  Distraction is my friend.

forgiveness

I am on this up and down roller coaster of emotion right now.  Earlier in the week I was sure I needed a shirt that said "Warning: constant eye leakage"  It isn't exactly that I would want my ex back,  I want a better future for myself.  I want stability, I want a bank account that doesn't roll to zero before the next payday, I don't want to worry about what is coming into my home,  I don't want to worry about whether or not I'm being lied to, I'd like to retire one day, I'd like to one day own a home again.  I'd like for all those hopes and dreams I had before I stood up and said I do to come true.  What I am mourning is the loss of my family.  I hate that my family has become another statistic.  I hate that L is hurting and this time I caused the pain.  The pain that she feels about being adopted is heart breaking but I can come at it from this level headed calm sort of place because it is not pain I caused.  I can not fully understand it but I can empathize from a place of pure comfort and support because whether she lived with me or another family her beginning would have been the same.  But this, this is totally different.  My own emotion is so wrapped in it that I have trouble separating it not getting emotional right with her.  I was thinking the other day that perhaps I could forgive and that I could be cordial when he gets back from his vacation.  I ultimately would like that, but here is the thing.  I am once again left to pick up the pieces of his impulsive behavior, because I am the safe one.  I am the one who will always be here for our daughter.  I am the one she feels comfortable raging at and crying with and being downright mean to.  He is not her stability, I am.  So just like during his days of being an addict here I sit mending the pieces.  Only I am mending the pieces of a very sad and angry little girl.  Who has abandonment issues and who has just been abandoned again.  Don't get me wrong he is still a part of her life, but it doesn't change the fact that she feels abandoned.  As she cried into my chest after I had to take away her electronics yet again for yelling at me.  I let her stew in it and then we had a real conversation about what we are really upset about and she cried into my chest about how she doesn't want her daddy to leave her.  She wants him back here.  She doesn't want us to be broken up.  And I just held her while she cried.  I did good this time not letting my own wave of emotion come.  I know we will get through it but I can not expect my anger at this horrible situation to dissipate anytime soon.  I need to give myself time.  I've been practicing changing my thought process.  Most of the time I can do this.  Like on the fourth of July when I was the only single girl amid a bunch of couples, or the phone call I got about L going to visit her relatives from Oregon who are in town.  My sister in law who happens to be my former best friend.  For a moment I felt the wave of sadness before I realized I should be celebrating not having to go and deal with that uncomfortable situation.  It is liberating being able to do that.  So most of the time I can frame my train of thought in a different way and feel much better, but not when it comes to my baby.  I can not do it yet.  I am however able to encourage her to call her dad.  I am able to talk about her dad without any trace of anger when she needs to speak about him.  I am able to maneuver the give and take of the custody stuff.  I am able to encourage her relationship with all her relatives on that side of the family.  I am trying to do the best I can for her and make it as easy as I possibly can for her sake. For now that is the best I can do and for now it is enough. 

LOADED

Have been perusing dating websites.  I'm not interested in dating but I know at some point I'll have to.  The idea at the moment sends shivers down my spine and makes me want to crawl in a cave, but since I don't want to be a cat lady I know at some point it's inevitable. The dating not the being a cat lady. Just for inquiring minds I'm giving myself 6 months to a year.  As I have been perusing these sites I've found some obvious pitfalls.  The largest is the question about children.  Do I want them?  Does he want them?  Back in the dark ages, when I was dating, these things would have come up naturally.  The state of my uterus was unknown at the time, but if I had known, there would have been time to get to know the person before discussing the pitfall of my organs.  Is there even a way to answer the kid question in a questionnaire?  The answer no is not exactly right but the answer yes is misleading.  Perhaps a maybe would suffice but even a maybe implies that it's a possibility.  How about I'd love a child how much do you have to put down?  Or yes but in search of egg donor and healthy uterus.  There is always the loved ask me later that would imply I'd like to discuss my uterus on a first date.  Maybe my answer could just be peri-menopausal I bet that'd score me a date or two.  I am mostly poking fun cause really what else is there to do.  Perhaps the whole cat lady scenario isn't so bad after all.  L has always wanted a cat.

THROUGH

There is a saying about grief.  The only way out is through.  I'm familiar with the process.  I did it when I found out I couldn't have children, I did it when we lost Luci and again while he was in rehab.  I know there is another side.  I know I will look back at this time and revel at the lessons learned and the strength of character I gained, but right now I just see grief as this black serpent coming to get me.  There are times I win the war and times he is able to spindle his writhing body around my own and hold on.  Today was one of those days.  I woke up to the stark reality that I am alone.  That the king bed I inhabit is mine and mine alone.  The bathroom with two sinks they're all mine too.  The mess left in the garage and the sink in the kitchen that is clogged mine, mine, mine.  I let myself cry it out and then expected that spindly snake to let me be.  I fought it at first.  I made my lists of tasks to accomplish.  I fixed the half ass paint job in the bedroom.  I unclogged the sink.  I called and got a better rate on car insurance.  But as each task was done he didn't let go, today he held on the whole damn day.  So today I let him have me.  I turned on the television, put my rattiest pajamas on, felt a little sorry for myself, let my eyes leak at random.  Today I let grief have me by the neck.  So Mr. Black Serpent you've had your day.  Tomorrow you may not have me back.  Tomorrow I will enjoy my day at the river with my friends and revel in the fact that it is summer vacation.  I know there will be other days like today.  I know the serpent isn't done with me by a long shot, but you see I'll let him have his way every once in awhile, but I refuse to be the victim in this scenario.  I will walk through this with my head held high.  If the only way out is through, through it we shall go.