Men are stupid.
The end.

Dating Chronicles

I am in dating purgatory, seriously I am not even kinda kidding.  I've decided that it just must be remembered and shared because someday I am going to be in a different place (dear lord let that be true!) and not remember these stories and they are GOOD!!  First off let me state that I have met 2 very nice men.  Both of them have served the purpose of showing me that nice men do exist, they just haven't been the right men for me.  The fact that I can even recognize that is a step in the correct direction.  Loneliness does not win over making good correct decisions for L and I.  These two men will not be my topic for discussion.  Only the crazy stories here for your reading pleasure.  All stories thanks to match.com :0)
1) man messaged me asking for a date but had no car or licence.  Not sure if he wanted a chauffeur  or a date I didn't stop to check.
2) Man and I messaged for a bit.  His messages were grammatically off at times.  Man told me he'd just moved here from Mexico and was using google translator to converse with me.  Ummm, no thank you.
3) Went on an actual date with a devastatingly handsome man.  Tall dark handsome type.  Told me in the middle of our date that he had been fired from his position as high school drama teacher for sexting with a student.  Holy crap on a cracker!!!!  I googled this darling, his student was 14 at the time.  Can't make this shit up I tell you.
4) Texted a police officer for a week straight.  He was funny, attentive, and I was excited.  He wanted to go to dinner, I suggested drinks, he insisted upon dinner.  We were seated in a table that was a booth.  He sat right next to me on my side of the booth and cuddled up real close.  THIS..... WAS .....OUR ....FIRST....DATE!  I was very polite and let this happen.  I ordered fish tacos.  He kissed me in the middle of the restaurant in the middle of my plate of fish tacos. (It's every girls dream to remember her first kiss that way)  I continued to be polite.  He asked me what I thought of having 3 kids.  (I assume he meant me parenting his three and not me having 3)  Then told me he'd like me to be his girlfriend.  OMG!!!  Somehow I continued to be polite.  Next he wanted to walk around I politely told him it was time for me to go.  He walked me to my car.  Then before kissing me goodnight.  (We all know how bad I wanted that to happen) he pulled up his pants took a few steps, like he was getting ready to mount a horse or something.  Took a nice big breath and leaned in for a goodnight kiss.  Good lord put me out of my misery right this minute.  I may or may not have jumped in my car and sped away from that man as fast as my little Honda would take me.

Have another date lined up for Monday.  If nothing else it will leave me with a good story.  The way I approach this dating phenomena AKA internet dating is that it is entertainment.  I have two days a week without Lily and when I'm not spending those two days running errands or being entertained by my girlfriends I mine as well be meeting new people.  IT DOES NOT DISAPPOINT IT IS NOTHING SHORT OF ENTERTAINING!!!!!  

Ahhhh!!!!

And the good thing these days is that the anger leaves as quickly as it comes.  The other morning at 3AM it felt so real all encompassing and like a vice wrapped around my chest.  A few hours (ok I'll be real it took a day) later poof it was gone and I was back to regular scheduled programming.  I'm not even really sure what brought it on the other day.  I guess a sense of loneliness that has been creeping up on me. I just have to remind myself that I felt like a hostage in my marriage.  I was very, very lonely.  I'm no longer a hostage.  I am the captain of my ship and I get to steer this vessel where ever I want.  That is a beautiful thing. I also want to clarify that in my last post I said I was combative and uncooperative and although the ex sees it that way, for me I am setting boundaries.  Something I never did in my marriage or my life in general.  Sometimes setting these boundaries is messy because no one including me is used to it.  I'm practicing this boundary setting on him: A) because they absolutely have to be set.  He will take until there is nothing left and then ask for more. B) because I don't care what he thinks so boundary setting is easy and good practice.   So once again....... here we go positive attitude in tact!

Let's be done!

My anger..... I'm done with it, over it, put a fork in me I am DONE DONE DONE! When I lost Luci I remember trudging through the murky sludge and wondering when the fuck will I feel normal.  When will I feel like I've put this thing behind me.  I am in this same exact fucking place now.  It's hard to get over something when it is always here.  I'm not sure how people move on.  I'm not sure how they get past it.  I read all these stories of woman who handle this so much better than I am.  They find outlets for their anger that are not their ex.  They run, or knit or I don't fucking know.  It's not helping all those external outlets are not helping.  I'm combative and uncooperative with him because he hurt me.  Because he just got to move on and leave his daughter behind.  He's left me with every ounce of responsibility.  I find myself so very scared that I will be alone forever.  What if I get some debilitating disease?  Who will help me through it?  Who will tell me it's going to be ok?  Most of all if something happens to me who will love my baby girl like she deserves to be loved?  I'm seeing someone again and for some reason this just makes me lonelier because there is not actually time to see someone.  How do I move on when I have Wednesday and Thursday nights to myself and nothing else.  No one understands my schedule.  They don't really understand that I had no other choice.  My child is the most important thing and her father is not trust worthy and does not really want to spend time with her.  By forcing him to spend time he does not want with his child how does that make me a good parent.  It makes me someone who chooses me first and I do not get to do that.   Furthermore if I force him to have more time and then he starts using again where am I then.  I wont be able to take it back and then my child will be in danger. I know that sounds dramatic but recovered addicts are truly like a ticking time bomb and he is not in any sort of continued treatment plan.  So I have to find a way to make the choice I made work for me.  I made this schedule.  I made the schedule in which allows him to do whatever he damn well pleases whenever he fucking wants.  I gave him the single no responsibilities life he craves.  And I'm angry about it.  Just like I thought he should fight for me and our marriage I also wanted him to fight for his child.  It disgusts me that 2 evenings a week is enough for him.  It disgusts me that he thinks that this is parenting.  If I have to hear what a great dad he is one more time I think I just might explode into a zillion tiny pieces.   But that aside this was still my choice.  It wasn't the easiest choice, but it was the one that made the most sense.  I can not change who he is.  I have to find a way to accept my circumstance and move on.  I have to find a way to not be so lonely in my world.  I have to find a way to release the anger because it is not helping.  It's not helping me, or my child, or my relationship with the asshat I'm supposed to be co-parenting with.  I use that word parenting in the loosest of terms.  

A Year

As of yesterday it has been a year since P moved out of my home.  As of May 7th I am officially a divorced woman.  Funny story the piece of paper from the court came in the mail.  It came really, really fast.  Our lawyer told us that it would take 6 weeks to 3 months to reach the end.  When that piece of paper came in the mail it came 2 weeks after I signed the final paperwork.  So I just figured that it meant that the court had received my paperwork.  2 weeks later I was talking to my friend about being almost divorced.  She said what do you mean almost, you ARE divorced.  I said what do you mean?  She said that piece of paper you received that WAS the final paper.  Lucky she cleared that business up or I'd still be awaiting the arrival of my final document.  So 2 weeks after my actual divorce I got to celebrate!  I also turned 40 in the last few months.  40 just feels good.  It feels like this rebirth and this chance to start over.  To do stuff (life) the right way now.  Yesterday on the 1 year anniversary he texted me to ask if his girlfriend could have my bike.  I shit you not, that really happened!  My friend often tells me in the realm of dating,well, now you know everything you need to know.  Thank you P for reminding me that I DO know all I need to know about you!  Sometimes I wish I'd listened earlier, but I wasn't finished learning the lesson.  I'm not going to continue beating myself up for being a slow learner.  I'm much quicker now. I'm proud of myself for not having to tell him everything wrong with asking if his girlfriend could have my bike.  I'm proud of myself for not starting an argument.  I simply texted the word no. Then laughed for like an hour because the fact that he had the cahones to ask that question is really funny!  I'm getting better.  Less angry.  Less resentful. I allow him to affect my day much less than I did before.   

On the dating front:
I dated a guy for a bit.  He lasted 3 months.  He was nice, but not THE one.  I found myself not wanting to drop myself back into the dating pool.  I found myself wondering if I could hang on a little longer. It was nice to have someone to cuddle with and watch a movie with.  It was nice to have someone care how my day was.  I finally took the plunge and broke it off.  I didn't implode.  I'm OK with being solo.  I'm super happy with my decision not to settle.  In my 40's I'm going to do for me.  To live for me.  I'm going to get the big things right. This includes not sticking with someone just because I don't want to be alone!  Truth I'm not often alone since I have my girl most of the time.
Speaking of that, that makes dating kinda hard, but I truly would have it no other way.  I went through a time where I was resentful.  It just seemed so damn unfair that her dad gets to jet off to Monterrey, Tahoe.....where ever the hell he pleases each and every weekend with his lady love and I am here raising our child. Then I woke up to the fact that I have the biggest blessing on earth and he handed it to me.  I will never look back on my life and think gee I wish I spent more time with my daughter!  It is truly the biggest gift of my divorce.  If the right guy comes along he will deal with my lack of free time and understand that my child comes first.  He will actually love me for that fact.  All others need not apply :0).   
So I'm doing really, really great!  Oh and I decided that Lily and I must go back to Maui!  My friend her boyfriend and her son are going for the 4th.  They invited me.  It is really out of character for me to go.  I thought about being on this romantic vacation with a newly in love couple.  They are staying at a fancy resort.  I didn't want to pay for the fancy resort.  I almost let this keep me home.  Then I thought about the beach, the sunsets and sunrises, how happy my girl was in Maui.  How it marked the rebirth of my life last year, and I knew that I couldn't let silly things keep me away.  So Lily and I are heading back.  We are staying in a less expensive place and it's kinda like we are traveling alone and that is fine by me.  She is my sidekick and it is Maui and we will have a rockin' good time.  I'm proud of myself for doing something out of character!  After all that is what this year has been all about.  It has reigned nothing but good fortune on me!

Crazy Making

I am having a lot of trouble.  The temptation of social media is sometimes really intense.  Occasionally I have to remind myself who I am, what kind of person I'd like to be.  Sometimes it is my mantra over and over again in my head. He told me a few weeks ago he'd like L to meet his girlfriend of 6-8 weeks (by my estimation).  I told him it was really early on and could he please wait a bit.  He said no because they'd be moving in together in July.  I asked if he could forgo sleepovers until L knew this person well.  I didn't think it fair she slept in a strange house in a strange room with a stranger.  His response was of course.  L will know E very well before a sleepover happens.  L and I went to ice cream with the girlfriend.  The following Wednesday they had dinner at her house.  Those are the only meetings that have occurred.  Yesterday he asked if he could be late picking L up because he needed to run to his house and pick some things up.  I knew something was up so I said, "Are you and L not staying at your house?" He said no we are not.  I am so livid.  He gave me his word, but his word means nothing.  The well being of our child means nothing.  He is the only person that matters.  He only thinks of himself. Every time I try to reason with him that perhaps this is not good role modeling.  Perhaps this is not good parenting he tells me I'm mean.  Or my favorite "text me back when you're not PMSing."  I can't understand how I married this person.  This is exactly like when he was drinking.  He would yell at me about how crazy I was to deflect his immature behavior.  I am beaten, torn, splayed open on the floor.  I just want him to go away leave us alone.   Today is one of those days I wish I'd just walked away in the midst of his alcoholism.  Let him meet his own demise.  The thanks I get for saving his life is more than I can bare.  It's more than our daughter should have to shoulder.  I wrote the woman a letter regarding L. I told her about adoption terminology, attachment disorders, L's learning disability. I was gracious and kind.  Who knows if she got it.  Who knows if she read it.  I only hope she is kind and gentle and a better person than my ex.

Hoping I'm enough

I have discovered the problem with being the ex wife of an addict.  I don't think he's fallen off the wagon, but all the behaviors of an addict are still ever present.  When I started on the journey to get him sober I remember thinking if only.  If only he stops drinking it will be so much better.  If only he kicks the pill habit it will be so much better.  Here is what I have learned.  Addicts are addicts are addicts.  It does not matter if you take the substance away the behaviors still exist.  It is really very sad.  Mostly it is sad for my daughter.  She is beginning to understand that on the list of important things in his life she is not on the top.  A few weeks ago she came back from his house crying.  She said I think daddy has a new girlfriend.  I don't think I'm important to him.  I think she will take my place.  At that time I told her that will never happen!!  I defended him telling her that even if he has another lady in his life she would still be very, very important to him.  Then it started becoming so apparent that my words just did not ring true.  That her best interest was no where near the forefront of his thought.  That being a good role model is not on the list of what a father is.  My heart is breaking for my little girl who deserves so much more.  The self centered, selfish behavior of an addict is here it is in our face and it is ravaging us with a vengeance.  You see the substance doesn't really matter if the person isn't going to do the work, those behaviors are ingrained.  I'm so happy to not be living with him, but it doesn't stop those behaviors from entering my safe place.  Without spewing his personal information here, because this blog is not about vengeance, I will say that I have limited his access to her to two evenings a week.  I did this and told him I thought MY priorities were out of whack. I so hope that we can get the custody paperwork drawn and this agreement will stick.  The other day the conversation came up again about her feeling unimportant in his world and I couldn't deny it.  All I could say is, I am so sorry you feel that way.  I love you and you will always be important to me.  Each night before she goes to sleep I repeat these words to her.  I love you.  You will always be important to me!  All I can hope for is that I am enough!  All I can do is be the best role model possible.  All I can do is love her like a vengeance!  I was for awhile trying to make him parent.  It was funny really because it was our marriage playing out all over again.  I wanted to make sure he didn't walk away.  I wanted to make sure he was not one more person in her life to leave her.  I've finally discovered it's not my place.  I can not make him be a father.  Even if I force him to spend time with her, I can not force him to parent.  So I am done.  This week was terrible.  My emotions are everywhere.  I absolutely lost my cool. Which is never good.  It never feels good.  It never accomplishes anything.  It never is the release I hope it will be, but I am human, and I'm allowed to make mistakes!  The best I can do is learn from it and be better next time.  Please send us positive thoughts as we really need them right now.  Please send positive thoughts that I can be enough to fill a broken little girl who has experienced more loss than any little person deserves.  I fear the worst is yet to come.  Please pray that I can handle whatever lies ahead with dignity and grace. 

Happy New Year (almost)

Wow, am I glad to see this year leaving.  Was it a horrible year?  Actually, not really!  It was a year of change and new learning's.  It was a year of self discovery and a year of empowerment.  Really, this year was just an extension of the past three years.  It was an extension of the downhill race I started on when I sent my ex to rehab that propelled me, catapulted me really, on this path where I get to be who I was meant to be.  I thought the holidays would be horrible, but you know what, they were great.  I'm learning the saying, life is what you make of it, is so true.  These past 10 years I could have crawled under a rock and decided life is just too hard! 6 miscarriages an alcoholic husband are nothing to scoff at, but what fun would it be to crawl under a rock.  What fun is it to live in a funk.  I can't change the past I can only move forward.  It's really the only direction there is.  I get to make 2015 whatever I want.  It will be my 40th year on this earth and there is not a single reason to make it anything but fabulous.  Will shit happen? Absolutely!  Will I struggle?  Probably!  Will I still be happy?  Why the hell not!

So what made the holidays great?  Well first off they happened on my terms.  I got to buy what I wanted!  I got to go where I wanted and spend them with whomever I damn well pleased.  No one was looking at their watch waiting to leave.  L spent Christmas eve with her dad.  They went to his parents house.  I was so fabulously, gloriously, happy I didn't have to go!  I didn't have to spend my day in their cigarette smelling, sour food dwelling!  I spent my day shopping and wrapping and then I went with my best friend for dinner and drinks.  It was perfection!  After dinner I picked up my girl we put out milk and cookies and went to bed.  Christmas morning her dad came over for breakfast which was mildly painful for me, but it was her favorite part of the day.  I'm glad I was able to do that for her.  Then we spent all day at my brothers house.  Once again no one checking their watch!

In other news I've started dating.  Something else I've thought would be dreadful, but really it's pretty fun.  I get to practice meeting new people! I get to dress up! I usually get free food and drinks.  Is every date wonderful certainly not, but it makes for some good stories.  I've decided it is pretty much for entertainment value.  I give them each funny names and they each come with funny stories.  I'm not looking for anything super serious right now.  I'm just having fun and being entertained.  L is not ready for me to date.  I realize L will never be ready, but I'm respecting that she needs time to adjust and heal and I'll give that to her.  So for now dating is purely entertainment. It is also me figuring out what it is that I want.  What my red flags really are.  My first internet date I met the guy at a bar.  The bar tenders knew him by name and he was drinking whiskey and ice.  He may have been a nice guy, but that date lasted 20 minutes and I was OUT as fast as I could go.  A red flag!!!!  On another date I went out with this super attractive guy.  HE WAS HOT! He spent that whole date talking about how he still loved his ex.  FOR AN HOUR!  Usually I'll offer to help pay, but not that time I charge for therapy buddy :0).  So you see you just can't take it too seriously and have fun with it.

Here's to wishing us all a very, very happy 2015!  Whatever happens there is strength in knowing it will all be OK!

Merry Christmas

So I bought myself a Christmas present!  Well I actually bought myself several :0).  But this particular present means a lot to me.  I got rid of my bed.  This is the first thing he and I bought together as a married couple.  I survived 12 years of marriage and 6 miscarriages in this bed.  I spent many a sleepless night in this bed wondering how I was going to survive my marriage.  Wondering how I was going to keep my daughter safe.  Wondering just how my life got so off track. I grieved Luciana in this bed.

I can not tell you the thrill of watching the men carry it out of my home.  The relief of seeing this gone gone gone!  It is a truly Merry Christmas to me!  Proof that I am starting over and making my life exactly what I want it to be!

Next week L is going with her Dad to Oregon.  She is going to have a wonderful time.  Send some positive thoughts my way, it will be the longest I've ever been without her.

Have a truly Merry Christmas my friends.

Feeling better

It's been ugly around here.  I have not been able to write.  I was afraid of what I may spew on this page.  All I saw was red for a period of time and all I wanted was revenge.  I am not a vengeful person,  I am also a deeply forgiving person but I did not feel either of these virtues.  I knew this person I was, was not who I wanted to be, but I couldn't help it.  I could not help but remind my ex what an idiot I thought he was every chance I got.  I would pep talk myself as I drove to his house that I would be cordial.  I would tell myself I could do this and then I would get to his driveway and just see red.  Thankfully text messages made my crusade silent as far as L was concerned.  She was not exposed to my tirade, however she was exposed by the tense interactions between the two of us. 

I started training for a half marathon again.  This once again has been my saving grace.  To pound my anger on the pavement has been life saving.  One day I was running and I had an epiphany.  I realized my revenge is unfounded.  My ex has many trials that he will need to deal with the rest of his life.  I do not NEED revenge.  I can be happy and healthy and whole!  Ever since this realization, (which by the way, was told to me several months ago, but I was not ready to hear it.  I needed to come to this conclusion in my own time and in my own way.) I have been at peace.  I am not angry anymore and I am ready to be happy, to make my life the way I want it, I am excited!

This weekend was my daughters party.  I so dreaded this party before.  Thank goodness my sense of peace overcame me before this day.  He felt really awkward at her party.  I let him stew in his awkwardness for a bit (I still think the reality of his decisions need to be felt) and then I saved him and invited him to sit next to me and encouraged him to enjoy his daughters birthday party.  2 weeks ago this would not have been possible for me.  So things are looking up!  I have no disillusions that there will be another ride down the hill of this rollercoaster called divorce but for now I am going to enjoy inner peace!   

New outlook

On Thursday I went with my friend and her son to the river.  We went to one of my favorite spots about an hour and a half away.  It was perfect not too hot and a breeze.  L and her friend were playing in the water together and having fun.  In the middle of the river is a large rock that people jump off of.  L and her friend were playing at the base of the rock.  There was a kid at the top of the rock with a large rock.  I imagine that he carried it up there to throw it off and make a big splash.  However he lost control of it and it rolled down the jumping rock and smacked L right in the head before making its splash.  L was a little stunned at first and then the blood curdling scream started.  My friend and I swam out to her and brought her back to shore.  She immediately had this huge goose egg at her temple.  We got some ice on it and decided our day at the river was over.  I carried my petite 60 lb. girl the 1/2 mile hike out.  When we got to the car she threw up so we made the decision to take her to the ER.  The Dr. decided he wanted to do a CAT scan to make sure she didn't have a fracture around her eye socket.  All turned out well, she had a slight concussion, but nothing major.  It however scared me.  Just a moment in time that could have turned out very different.  I was reminded of the fleetingness (I don't think that's a word) of life and I decided I needed to be a better parent.  Not that I could have avoided that event at all, but that I needed to suck it up and start co-parenting our daughter.  I needed to leave my animosity towards the ex at the door and do what is best for my girl.  So I am trying.  I called him and we had a good conversation about the incident.   We had some communication about some stuff going on with our finances that went well.  He came to pick her up today and it was hard to keep the momentum up, but I did my best and will continue.  Am I still angry, hell yes, but what purpose does it serve to project my anger on him.  He is who he is.  He showed me who he is a long time ago.  It isn't his fault I chose not to listen.  Since this conscience choice I have not been all consumed in thought.  I've had moments where I haven't thought of him at all.  Do I think I'm out of the woods, not at all, but I can sure try to do what is right by Lily and set the anger aside as much as possible. 

Distraction

I think the hardest part of this experience is losing control.  I like to be in control of my life.  I like to be able to control the outcome of situations.  I like to feel as if I am steering the vessel of my life.  Ever since alcoholism and drug addiction entered my life I have not been at the helm of the ship.  I've been bailing the water out of someone else's ship.  I've been living with someone else's life choices and someone else's mistakes.  When I sent him to rehab I felt as if I had taken my life back.  When I separated our finances I liberated myself and became the master of my own vessel, but then he walked out and I lost complete control.   When he got out of rehab I was cautious and angry, but also hopeful that the worst was behind us and we would finally be able to move on.  And we did move on.  The movement just was not in the direction I wanted.  So now I feel adrift again like I can not catch the wind in the right direction.  And that wind carries constant thoughts of him.  Divorce, divorce, divorce, I can not escape the thoughts.  Distraction is my friend.  These last two weeks have been particularly difficult because distraction has been fleeting at best.  Next week and the week after I work Monday-Wednesday.  Next Thursday I will go to Laguna beach for some time with my friend and her son.  Then I will go camping.  I don't know that I can really afford these things.  I know my savings should be saved for lawyers or mediators.  Right now I can not bring myself to file for divorce.  I know I should be flying there to sever ties before he does any more damage to my credit but I just can not seem to gather the will.  It just seems so overwhelming.  Everything right now is just overwhelming.  Distraction is my friend.

forgiveness

I am on this up and down roller coaster of emotion right now.  Earlier in the week I was sure I needed a shirt that said "Warning: constant eye leakage"  It isn't exactly that I would want my ex back,  I want a better future for myself.  I want stability, I want a bank account that doesn't roll to zero before the next payday, I don't want to worry about what is coming into my home,  I don't want to worry about whether or not I'm being lied to, I'd like to retire one day, I'd like to one day own a home again.  I'd like for all those hopes and dreams I had before I stood up and said I do to come true.  What I am mourning is the loss of my family.  I hate that my family has become another statistic.  I hate that L is hurting and this time I caused the pain.  The pain that she feels about being adopted is heart breaking but I can come at it from this level headed calm sort of place because it is not pain I caused.  I can not fully understand it but I can empathize from a place of pure comfort and support because whether she lived with me or another family her beginning would have been the same.  But this, this is totally different.  My own emotion is so wrapped in it that I have trouble separating it not getting emotional right with her.  I was thinking the other day that perhaps I could forgive and that I could be cordial when he gets back from his vacation.  I ultimately would like that, but here is the thing.  I am once again left to pick up the pieces of his impulsive behavior, because I am the safe one.  I am the one who will always be here for our daughter.  I am the one she feels comfortable raging at and crying with and being downright mean to.  He is not her stability, I am.  So just like during his days of being an addict here I sit mending the pieces.  Only I am mending the pieces of a very sad and angry little girl.  Who has abandonment issues and who has just been abandoned again.  Don't get me wrong he is still a part of her life, but it doesn't change the fact that she feels abandoned.  As she cried into my chest after I had to take away her electronics yet again for yelling at me.  I let her stew in it and then we had a real conversation about what we are really upset about and she cried into my chest about how she doesn't want her daddy to leave her.  She wants him back here.  She doesn't want us to be broken up.  And I just held her while she cried.  I did good this time not letting my own wave of emotion come.  I know we will get through it but I can not expect my anger at this horrible situation to dissipate anytime soon.  I need to give myself time.  I've been practicing changing my thought process.  Most of the time I can do this.  Like on the fourth of July when I was the only single girl amid a bunch of couples, or the phone call I got about L going to visit her relatives from Oregon who are in town.  My sister in law who happens to be my former best friend.  For a moment I felt the wave of sadness before I realized I should be celebrating not having to go and deal with that uncomfortable situation.  It is liberating being able to do that.  So most of the time I can frame my train of thought in a different way and feel much better, but not when it comes to my baby.  I can not do it yet.  I am however able to encourage her to call her dad.  I am able to talk about her dad without any trace of anger when she needs to speak about him.  I am able to maneuver the give and take of the custody stuff.  I am able to encourage her relationship with all her relatives on that side of the family.  I am trying to do the best I can for her and make it as easy as I possibly can for her sake. For now that is the best I can do and for now it is enough. 

LOADED

Have been perusing dating websites.  I'm not interested in dating but I know at some point I'll have to.  The idea at the moment sends shivers down my spine and makes me want to crawl in a cave, but since I don't want to be a cat lady I know at some point it's inevitable. The dating not the being a cat lady. Just for inquiring minds I'm giving myself 6 months to a year.  As I have been perusing these sites I've found some obvious pitfalls.  The largest is the question about children.  Do I want them?  Does he want them?  Back in the dark ages, when I was dating, these things would have come up naturally.  The state of my uterus was unknown at the time, but if I had known, there would have been time to get to know the person before discussing the pitfall of my organs.  Is there even a way to answer the kid question in a questionnaire?  The answer no is not exactly right but the answer yes is misleading.  Perhaps a maybe would suffice but even a maybe implies that it's a possibility.  How about I'd love a child how much do you have to put down?  Or yes but in search of egg donor and healthy uterus.  There is always the loved ask me later that would imply I'd like to discuss my uterus on a first date.  Maybe my answer could just be peri-menopausal I bet that'd score me a date or two.  I am mostly poking fun cause really what else is there to do.  Perhaps the whole cat lady scenario isn't so bad after all.  L has always wanted a cat.

THROUGH

There is a saying about grief.  The only way out is through.  I'm familiar with the process.  I did it when I found out I couldn't have children, I did it when we lost Luci and again while he was in rehab.  I know there is another side.  I know I will look back at this time and revel at the lessons learned and the strength of character I gained, but right now I just see grief as this black serpent coming to get me.  There are times I win the war and times he is able to spindle his writhing body around my own and hold on.  Today was one of those days.  I woke up to the stark reality that I am alone.  That the king bed I inhabit is mine and mine alone.  The bathroom with two sinks they're all mine too.  The mess left in the garage and the sink in the kitchen that is clogged mine, mine, mine.  I let myself cry it out and then expected that spindly snake to let me be.  I fought it at first.  I made my lists of tasks to accomplish.  I fixed the half ass paint job in the bedroom.  I unclogged the sink.  I called and got a better rate on car insurance.  But as each task was done he didn't let go, today he held on the whole damn day.  So today I let him have me.  I turned on the television, put my rattiest pajamas on, felt a little sorry for myself, let my eyes leak at random.  Today I let grief have me by the neck.  So Mr. Black Serpent you've had your day.  Tomorrow you may not have me back.  Tomorrow I will enjoy my day at the river with my friends and revel in the fact that it is summer vacation.  I know there will be other days like today.  I know the serpent isn't done with me by a long shot, but you see I'll let him have his way every once in awhile, but I refuse to be the victim in this scenario.  I will walk through this with my head held high.  If the only way out is through, through it we shall go.

perspective and some sleep

L woke up on Friday morning and felt much better.  She was able to stay with her dad and have a good time.  I am happy for her.  I was also able to have a good time.  The river is my spot.  It's beauty and refreshing properties have always been my recharging place.  It flows downstream with it's constant rebirth of water.  Each second it is on refresh.  I am on refresh at the moment.  I went to the river with my bestie.  She has been my lifeline throughout this entire experience.  She also has been burned and knows what I am going through.  She was able to deal with custody of their son with class and she is my roll model.  I am so very, very thankful for her.   So we went to the river with 6 people and me.  3 couples and I.  I had a few minutes that I felt sad for my uncoupled status.  I felt myself going down that woe is me path especially with the previous nights events.  Then I thought about my last 2 fourth of July's.  Yes they were with my girl, but I was not with a partner.  In fact most of my married life I did these functions on my own. That was because of my ex's work schedule and not his affliction, on the rare occasion that we went together I was either embarrassed by the end and trying to get us to leave or uncomfortable because alcohol was around and it was awkward.  He felt awkward and made me feel awkward.   So I shrugged it off and enjoyed the rest of my day.  I let the river do it's job of refreshing.  Now L is here for two weeks without sharing cause her dad is on vacation and we shall do some refreshing river time together.  I shall enjoy my time without maneuvering the custody stuff.  Hey maybe he will just move to Oregon.  Just kidding, sort of...........

Pain

I had the most enjoyable day!  I went to brunch with some new friends and out to dinner with an old friend.  I left both those places feeling at peace and happy and like things were going to be ok.  I got home turned on the tv and planned to relax and go to bed, but I got the phone call via facetime.  The one I've been dreading.  The mommy I miss you and I want to come home.  The why can't you and Daddy be together.  The I don't like this.  The I don't want to leave Daddy, but I want to be with you. The I've never spent 3 nights away from you.  Most of the time she held the phone above her face so I couldn't see it.  At first I did good.  I told her I was sorry.  I told her Daddy and I loved her.  I told her adults sometimes have problems they can not fix and Daddy and I would be living apart.  Every once in awhile she would put the phone in front of her face and I would see the heartbreak there.  God I want to fix it.  I want to make her whole again.  I want to take away the world that is causing her pain.   For the first 5 minutes I was strong for her and then I just cracked  and the flood gates opened and I started crying and she told me she was sorry and she cried too.  I told her not to be sorry that it was ok.  That I was ok.  That she would be ok too.  Right now I hate him.  With every fiber of my being I hate him. I hate him for putting me in a situation where I can not hug my baby when she's hurting.  I hate him for causing me so much pain, but mostly I hate him for causing my child pain.  Right now I want to make him hurt.  I want to make him hurt like I hurt.  I want to make him hurt for her.  Understand I won't do anything vicious or mean or vindictive.  I am a level headed girl.   Please send my girl happy thoughts and prayers she needs them.  Send some my way too.  I  need them too.

Alone

The man in the house has been gone for about 2 months.  In the beginning I was working.  I was so busy it was a  breath of fresh air to come to the surface and have a little solace.  I love, love the summer, but this summer is stretched out before me.  L left today and is staying 3 nights with her dad.  They took the dog, because it makes L feel better.  It is the first holiday in 8 years I will be without her.  I didn't buy a cute fourth of July outfit and make plans to take pictures and hug her through the big booms.  I immediately texted every person I know and tried to fill the space where she usually is.  I filled each day with something, but tonight I am alone.  I filled my home with music and am eating Brussels sprouts.  Something in my home  that is largely frowned upon.  I'll watch a movie without interruption. I'll read my book.  Perhaps I'll fix the half ass painting job that was done so many months ago.  I will be fine and tomorrow I will not be alone.  For today though sharing my girl sucks.

My own PSA

I recorded Dr. Oz today. Dr. Oz really annoys me.  I know he has his followers but he is just one of those people I can not stand.  In my opinion there is something disingenuous about him.  Anyways the reason that I recorded him is because his show was about heroin use and the suburban mom.  Now don't get too worried I'm not going to become a junky.  However I am very familiar with the decline.  I am very familiar with what might make someone a junky.  If only 3 or 4 years ago I could have known this information.  I remember looking at my ex's eyes on so many occasions and thinking wow that just looks off.  I am naïve, really, really naïve.  I thought that all drugs made your pupils dilate.  I had caught him several times taking prescription meds, but told myself (because remember I was not ready) that he had stopped.  I would look up opiates and symptoms of taking them and it never listed pupil constriction.  Nor did I ever find a website that said the use of opiates leads to the use of heroin.  I even had an app on my phone that would tell me what a pill was by putting color shape and numbers in.  Yes my friends there is an app for everything.  And why should I, or any other suburban mother, know this information.  Well because if it could happen to me it could happen to anyone.  And it's not just suburban moms it's everyone from children to the elderly no one is safe.  Luckily I got fed up before heroin came into our home.  At least I think I did.  Luckily for my family even in its crumpled disjointed fashion there is sobriety.  You know what else I learned from the time someone becomes addicted to opiates (which if you are naïve like me include any prescription pain killers) to their demise is 3 years.  I believe that I saved my ex's life.  I didn't get much of a consolation prize.  I take that back ,yes I did, my daughter has a father.  That may be the best prize ever!  And thank you Dr. Oz I now know if the ex comes around with constricted pupils we've taken a fall.  I guess I'll cut ya a break.

Getting Real

I am writing this here so that I don't forget.  I think as time moves it begins to lesson the severity of things.  You know like childbirth.  I am all about moving forward but I also don't want a false sense of security either.  In 2012/2013 my ex made some decisions that led to the demise of our marriage.  He was always a risk taker.  He was always a drinker but the drinking got more and more extreme until it spiraled completely out of control.  In 2013 I was not quite ready to be honest with myself so instead of deal with the calamity in front of me I tried to get pregnant.  I made all kinds of deals with myself as my life spun out of control.  I really wanted a bigger family and I rationalized that I was getting too old to wait.  In the same token I was telling myself that I would wait to leave until my daughter was older and I could explain to her how to keep herself safe. Looking back on that time I think what were you thinking, but I wasn't, I was grasping and holding on for dear life.  Rational thought left the building until much later.  In October of 2013 there was a family birthday party where my ex got completely out of control and embarrassed me and made a fool of himself.  My dad pulled me aside and said I think your husband is an alcoholic.  This brought me completely to my senses.  My secret was not well kept.  The next week I found out my, ignore the calamity and get pregnant ,came to fruition and the stick turned pink.  Thankfully my body did what it always does and I miscarried.  Once I gathered myself I steeled myself for the road ahead.  Still not sure 100% how to proceed.  I was so very scared.  Scared if I just walked away he would hurt my child.  Scared that if he was alone with her something would happen.  Then things spiraled further out of control and I told him to leave.  He came back with all kinds of ideas mostly around being just a social drinker.  I held my ground and he told me he needed til his birthday and then he would enter rehab.  In the course of time I found that alcohol was not his only poison and hoped and prayed I could get him to rehab.  I agreed to his terms because rehab was now on the table.  It is not pretty getting someone into rehab.  He was angry and abusive.  Not physically, but I was called some pretty horrible names and told some pretty horrible things about myself, but I kept persevering.  Telling myself I could make it to his birthday.  Then he did something I could not forgive and I kicked him out and I stood my ground.  I knew I could keep my girl safe and I would go to any measures to do so.  I was finally ready.  He went to rehab the next day and completed a 30 day stint.  It was a terrible time for my daughter.  We had no money she was a wreck and I didn't know what to do.  Luckily I have a very, very good support system. I was able to improve my situation and readied myself for the high likelihood that he would not stay sober.  I separated our bank accounts and stood on my own two feet.  I decided never again would I allow myself to be in my previous situation.   We made it through the 30 days and I stood by my husband hoping and praying for everyone's sake he would stay sober.  We went to counseling and I told him my terms to continue our relationship.  1. He must stay sober.  2. He must be responsible for his finances. (Our finances were already destroyed and I wanted to start over) 3.No more lying. (This is a symptom of being an alcoholic.)  Right away he blew my second condition.  He bought a car he absolutely could not afford and was not even remotely a family car.   He promised me he could handle the payments and things would be different.  I have to give him credit because he has stayed sober and that is no small feat, but he was not able to afford his car.  It took 18 months for me to figure out just how much he could not afford his car.  In the midst of 18 months condition number 3 was not kept and he began lying in order to cover up the fact that he was once again spiraling out of control but in a different way. Now he has moved out and I am tasked with really starting over.  Really finding out who I am.  Sending him to rehab instilled a confidence in me that I will be forever grateful for.  I am not weak or broken but strong and fierce.  I am ready for the future and what lies ahead.  I'll continue to write here.  I really think my story might help other people.  I am thankful for so many things.  I am mostly thankful for my career.  Without it all of this would be so much harder.   I've lost some friends and gained some friends along the way but I have a big support system and I will make it out of this and I'll be better off.