New Years eve

Yesterday Peter and I were putting the christmas ornaments away. This christmas I felt full and as if I gave my daughter a lovely christmas filled with traditions and wonder and a few gifts. It really was not about gifts though it was about family. Just as it should be. As we were cleaning up Peter got a phone call. It is New Years Eve so I heard him ask what they were doing and then the question oh is she on antibiotics (in reference to why she couldn't partake in a beverage.) I knew it meant our friends had wonderful news. I heard Josh say Krista's pregnant clear as day through the reciever. I felt happy for her but upon such news I also felt the crushing darkness that is the hole in my heart. I didn't let him know I heard and it took him a full half hour to tell me the news. I know it is terribly hard for my family. I know telling me of others joy is hard for them. Sometimes I take the news well and sometimes it makes me withdraw into my cocoon once again. Peter said he wondered if I'll ever be able to be happy when I hear others good news. He doesn't get it and thats okay I can be simultaneously happy for Krista she will be a wonderful mother and sad for the emptiness that is left from the baby that wasn't. I tried to explain it to him but I could feel the rush of emotion so I withdrew it is new years eve afterall not a time for the venom to rear its ugly head. I dont really have words to explain the dichotemy anyways. I know that no matter how much time passes Lucy will still not be here and so my hole will be there. That hole is okay it is a badge of honor. The hole is all I get to keep of her. It may mean I won't attend Krista's baby shower it may mean my family will not ever truly understand but it is my piece of my daughter that I am keeping all my own.