Getting Real

I am writing this here so that I don't forget.  I think as time moves it begins to lesson the severity of things.  You know like childbirth.  I am all about moving forward but I also don't want a false sense of security either.  In 2012/2013 my ex made some decisions that led to the demise of our marriage.  He was always a risk taker.  He was always a drinker but the drinking got more and more extreme until it spiraled completely out of control.  In 2013 I was not quite ready to be honest with myself so instead of deal with the calamity in front of me I tried to get pregnant.  I made all kinds of deals with myself as my life spun out of control.  I really wanted a bigger family and I rationalized that I was getting too old to wait.  In the same token I was telling myself that I would wait to leave until my daughter was older and I could explain to her how to keep herself safe. Looking back on that time I think what were you thinking, but I wasn't, I was grasping and holding on for dear life.  Rational thought left the building until much later.  In October of 2013 there was a family birthday party where my ex got completely out of control and embarrassed me and made a fool of himself.  My dad pulled me aside and said I think your husband is an alcoholic.  This brought me completely to my senses.  My secret was not well kept.  The next week I found out my, ignore the calamity and get pregnant ,came to fruition and the stick turned pink.  Thankfully my body did what it always does and I miscarried.  Once I gathered myself I steeled myself for the road ahead.  Still not sure 100% how to proceed.  I was so very scared.  Scared if I just walked away he would hurt my child.  Scared that if he was alone with her something would happen.  Then things spiraled further out of control and I told him to leave.  He came back with all kinds of ideas mostly around being just a social drinker.  I held my ground and he told me he needed til his birthday and then he would enter rehab.  In the course of time I found that alcohol was not his only poison and hoped and prayed I could get him to rehab.  I agreed to his terms because rehab was now on the table.  It is not pretty getting someone into rehab.  He was angry and abusive.  Not physically, but I was called some pretty horrible names and told some pretty horrible things about myself, but I kept persevering.  Telling myself I could make it to his birthday.  Then he did something I could not forgive and I kicked him out and I stood my ground.  I knew I could keep my girl safe and I would go to any measures to do so.  I was finally ready.  He went to rehab the next day and completed a 30 day stint.  It was a terrible time for my daughter.  We had no money she was a wreck and I didn't know what to do.  Luckily I have a very, very good support system. I was able to improve my situation and readied myself for the high likelihood that he would not stay sober.  I separated our bank accounts and stood on my own two feet.  I decided never again would I allow myself to be in my previous situation.   We made it through the 30 days and I stood by my husband hoping and praying for everyone's sake he would stay sober.  We went to counseling and I told him my terms to continue our relationship.  1. He must stay sober.  2. He must be responsible for his finances. (Our finances were already destroyed and I wanted to start over) 3.No more lying. (This is a symptom of being an alcoholic.)  Right away he blew my second condition.  He bought a car he absolutely could not afford and was not even remotely a family car.   He promised me he could handle the payments and things would be different.  I have to give him credit because he has stayed sober and that is no small feat, but he was not able to afford his car.  It took 18 months for me to figure out just how much he could not afford his car.  In the midst of 18 months condition number 3 was not kept and he began lying in order to cover up the fact that he was once again spiraling out of control but in a different way. Now he has moved out and I am tasked with really starting over.  Really finding out who I am.  Sending him to rehab instilled a confidence in me that I will be forever grateful for.  I am not weak or broken but strong and fierce.  I am ready for the future and what lies ahead.  I'll continue to write here.  I really think my story might help other people.  I am thankful for so many things.  I am mostly thankful for my career.  Without it all of this would be so much harder.   I've lost some friends and gained some friends along the way but I have a big support system and I will make it out of this and I'll be better off.