Scared and excited and scared to be excited

Over the last few months I've been contemplating and weighing all of my options.  I'm 37 and the years I have of fertility are dwindling.  It is not my first choice.  I would much rather adopt but we have exhausted every avenue and there is just not an option that both of us are comfortable doing.  We went to a foster adopt orientation and it is not for us.  Peter simply isn't comfortable with the idea and I respect his views.  So that left me feeling like my options were dwindling and I must turn my back and close the door.  Only the door won't seem to shut.  There is still this crack of light that I can't seem to extinguish.  I tried blowing on it, slamming it shut, closing my eyes as tight as I could, searched desperately for the light switch but no matter what I did I just couldn't make it dark.  That glimmer of light is pregnancy something I have repeatedly said I would never do, but it's there and it lingers.  I've been pregnant 4 times.  Each has ended rather abruptly but the thing is I CAN get pregnant and I've been deemed perfectly healthy so I think I'll be sad if I turn 40 and don't try. 


It may be taboo to speak of miscarriage but the truth is I need some girls in my corner.  Rooting for me, and arms to catch me when I fall, and hands in case I need the dust brushed off, and arms around me whether they be virtual or not. 

So with a deep breathe I'm opening that door and walking right through.  All the same fears are right here in front of me.  I still am not rich.  I still have no idea how I will pay for infant care.  I don't know if I can handle two children, I am crazy scared I will end up in an abortion clinic again, but I will not let fear be my leader.  I am going to take one more leap and pray I land somewhere soft this time.