Hallelujah!!!

I was really really worried.  Honestly I don't think I've ever been that worried about my health.  Cancer, removal of a major organ, having something known to the medical community as a mole.  Seriously I was freaked.  I spent all morning feeling sorry for myself and crying.  Luckily my appointment was at 8:30 a.m. or I may have been really in a depressed state.  I didn't have Peter go with me today because I thought that I would need him tomorrow when my actual appointment was with the doctorr.  Today they were supposed to just do an ultra sound.  My doctor made time for me.  Thank goodness I don't think I could have waited another 24 hours.  So she came in while I was having my ultra sound.  She said hello trouble.  I have a nickname.  She did make me smile.  Then made me down right giddy when her and the tech agreed my problem is not a mole.  Thank god!!!!  That's the good news and it is really really good news.  The other news is that there is no explanation as to why my hormone levels are not dropping.  So I have to take a rather yucky medication over the weekend that is going to make me cramp and hopefully get rid of what is left in my uterus and cause my levels to start to drop.  If they do not drop then I'll be getting a D&C on Tuesday.  I'm not against having a D&C it's just that I'll have to pay the deductible on my insurance and I'd rather not do that in November because it starts all over in January.  It's how Peter's broken thumb cost us $1000 dollars last year.  It spanned over 2 years because he needed treatment from November-January.  I do think we need different insurance.  Wish me luck this weekend.  I'm sure it won't be that bad right.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Why can nothing just be simple!  I am so very very frustrated!!!!!  Thank you I needed that.

Last Tuesday I miscarried at work.  It was just freakin Lovely.  Luckily I share a door with one of my best friends so she was able to watch my class as I needed to run to the restroom.  I didn't bother calling the dr because really what was she going to do and I know the drill.  On Thursday it was Lily's birthday and I needed a break so I took the day off and called the dr. to let her know I miscarried.  She fit me in that day because I am RH negative I need to get a shot within 48 hours of delivery or in my case miscarriage.  So I went to the dr got an ultra sound which confirmed what I already knew.  Then I went to the lab to get my blood tested to see if any anti bodies had formed then I went back to the dr to get my shot of rogam.  Then I picked up my daughter and took her to karate and then to celebrate her birthday. Are you relaxed yet let me tell you I found that day very relaxing!!  No hint of sarcasm.

Then I woke up took my classs on a field trip got back to school worked til 7 putting on a harvest carnival.  All weekend I continued to bleed heavily.  I kept thinking to myself really there are people who don't know they miscarry.  How is this possible. Even if I wasn't trying to get pregnant I would find this very very odd.  Then Saturday I threw my daughter a party and then went to some of our friends house to watch the Giants and then on Sunday ran errands went to the grocery store and then took Lily to my parents house to carve pumpkins.  All the while mildly cramping and bleeding heavily.  Peter kept asking me if I was worried I kept telling him not in the least.

Today my dr's assissitant called me to tell me that my hormone levels are not dropping like they should.  That my dr is worried that I may have had what is called a molar pregnancy.  Which after reading stuff on the interenet is kinda scary.  So yes Peter I'm a little worried now thank you for asking!  I'm all done reading stuff on the internet.  I have a fancy ultra sound tomorrow and then will meet with my dr on Wednesday.  The reason this is scary because a molar pregnancy consists of your body making lots of extra cells.  So basically your uterus fills with blood and cellular tissue.  That cellular tissue has the potential to turn cancerous.  Once they remove the cellular tissue if it continues to grow back you could have to get a hysterectomy.  So send some positive thoughts my way I could use them.

Nothing gained not much lost

Last week or maybe the week before I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. Had my hormones checked my numbers were really really good. Started having period like cramps on Monday. They went away by Tuesday. Felt nasueas all day Thursday. Thought that was a good sign. Went to the bathroom after work and was bleeding. Not to go into too much detail but there is a difference between old and new blood coming from ones uterus. The color is different. So what I have is old blood which is in theory a good sign, but with each miscarriage it has been the old blood, so for me I don't think this means much. I took another blood test on Thursday and my hormones are still doing what they are supposed to be doing. I have to tell you I'm not very optimistic. My 6 week appointment is on November 1st. I won't know anything more until then.
How I'm feeling:
We know this is not the outcome I was hoping for. I am obviously disappointed. However on the flipside I'm incredibly grateful. Having a loss before seeing a heartbeat is ideal. Having a loss in the first trimester is ideal. So I'm very much looking at the bright side. At this moment in time I don't know if this is the end of the road or the beginning. Meaning I'm not sure if I'll try again or scrap the idea. Time will tell.


I'll post an update on the 1st, but I'm not holding my breathe.