Feeling better

It's been ugly around here.  I have not been able to write.  I was afraid of what I may spew on this page.  All I saw was red for a period of time and all I wanted was revenge.  I am not a vengeful person,  I am also a deeply forgiving person but I did not feel either of these virtues.  I knew this person I was, was not who I wanted to be, but I couldn't help it.  I could not help but remind my ex what an idiot I thought he was every chance I got.  I would pep talk myself as I drove to his house that I would be cordial.  I would tell myself I could do this and then I would get to his driveway and just see red.  Thankfully text messages made my crusade silent as far as L was concerned.  She was not exposed to my tirade, however she was exposed by the tense interactions between the two of us. 

I started training for a half marathon again.  This once again has been my saving grace.  To pound my anger on the pavement has been life saving.  One day I was running and I had an epiphany.  I realized my revenge is unfounded.  My ex has many trials that he will need to deal with the rest of his life.  I do not NEED revenge.  I can be happy and healthy and whole!  Ever since this realization, (which by the way, was told to me several months ago, but I was not ready to hear it.  I needed to come to this conclusion in my own time and in my own way.) I have been at peace.  I am not angry anymore and I am ready to be happy, to make my life the way I want it, I am excited!

This weekend was my daughters party.  I so dreaded this party before.  Thank goodness my sense of peace overcame me before this day.  He felt really awkward at her party.  I let him stew in his awkwardness for a bit (I still think the reality of his decisions need to be felt) and then I saved him and invited him to sit next to me and encouraged him to enjoy his daughters birthday party.  2 weeks ago this would not have been possible for me.  So things are looking up!  I have no disillusions that there will be another ride down the hill of this rollercoaster called divorce but for now I am going to enjoy inner peace!