Happy New Year (almost)

Wow, am I glad to see this year leaving.  Was it a horrible year?  Actually, not really!  It was a year of change and new learning's.  It was a year of self discovery and a year of empowerment.  Really, this year was just an extension of the past three years.  It was an extension of the downhill race I started on when I sent my ex to rehab that propelled me, catapulted me really, on this path where I get to be who I was meant to be.  I thought the holidays would be horrible, but you know what, they were great.  I'm learning the saying, life is what you make of it, is so true.  These past 10 years I could have crawled under a rock and decided life is just too hard! 6 miscarriages an alcoholic husband are nothing to scoff at, but what fun would it be to crawl under a rock.  What fun is it to live in a funk.  I can't change the past I can only move forward.  It's really the only direction there is.  I get to make 2015 whatever I want.  It will be my 40th year on this earth and there is not a single reason to make it anything but fabulous.  Will shit happen? Absolutely!  Will I struggle?  Probably!  Will I still be happy?  Why the hell not!

So what made the holidays great?  Well first off they happened on my terms.  I got to buy what I wanted!  I got to go where I wanted and spend them with whomever I damn well pleased.  No one was looking at their watch waiting to leave.  L spent Christmas eve with her dad.  They went to his parents house.  I was so fabulously, gloriously, happy I didn't have to go!  I didn't have to spend my day in their cigarette smelling, sour food dwelling!  I spent my day shopping and wrapping and then I went with my best friend for dinner and drinks.  It was perfection!  After dinner I picked up my girl we put out milk and cookies and went to bed.  Christmas morning her dad came over for breakfast which was mildly painful for me, but it was her favorite part of the day.  I'm glad I was able to do that for her.  Then we spent all day at my brothers house.  Once again no one checking their watch!

In other news I've started dating.  Something else I've thought would be dreadful, but really it's pretty fun.  I get to practice meeting new people! I get to dress up! I usually get free food and drinks.  Is every date wonderful certainly not, but it makes for some good stories.  I've decided it is pretty much for entertainment value.  I give them each funny names and they each come with funny stories.  I'm not looking for anything super serious right now.  I'm just having fun and being entertained.  L is not ready for me to date.  I realize L will never be ready, but I'm respecting that she needs time to adjust and heal and I'll give that to her.  So for now dating is purely entertainment. It is also me figuring out what it is that I want.  What my red flags really are.  My first internet date I met the guy at a bar.  The bar tenders knew him by name and he was drinking whiskey and ice.  He may have been a nice guy, but that date lasted 20 minutes and I was OUT as fast as I could go.  A red flag!!!!  On another date I went out with this super attractive guy.  HE WAS HOT! He spent that whole date talking about how he still loved his ex.  FOR AN HOUR!  Usually I'll offer to help pay, but not that time I charge for therapy buddy :0).  So you see you just can't take it too seriously and have fun with it.

Here's to wishing us all a very, very happy 2015!  Whatever happens there is strength in knowing it will all be OK!

Merry Christmas

So I bought myself a Christmas present!  Well I actually bought myself several :0).  But this particular present means a lot to me.  I got rid of my bed.  This is the first thing he and I bought together as a married couple.  I survived 12 years of marriage and 6 miscarriages in this bed.  I spent many a sleepless night in this bed wondering how I was going to survive my marriage.  Wondering how I was going to keep my daughter safe.  Wondering just how my life got so off track. I grieved Luciana in this bed.

I can not tell you the thrill of watching the men carry it out of my home.  The relief of seeing this gone gone gone!  It is a truly Merry Christmas to me!  Proof that I am starting over and making my life exactly what I want it to be!

Next week L is going with her Dad to Oregon.  She is going to have a wonderful time.  Send some positive thoughts my way, it will be the longest I've ever been without her.

Have a truly Merry Christmas my friends.

Feeling better

It's been ugly around here.  I have not been able to write.  I was afraid of what I may spew on this page.  All I saw was red for a period of time and all I wanted was revenge.  I am not a vengeful person,  I am also a deeply forgiving person but I did not feel either of these virtues.  I knew this person I was, was not who I wanted to be, but I couldn't help it.  I could not help but remind my ex what an idiot I thought he was every chance I got.  I would pep talk myself as I drove to his house that I would be cordial.  I would tell myself I could do this and then I would get to his driveway and just see red.  Thankfully text messages made my crusade silent as far as L was concerned.  She was not exposed to my tirade, however she was exposed by the tense interactions between the two of us. 

I started training for a half marathon again.  This once again has been my saving grace.  To pound my anger on the pavement has been life saving.  One day I was running and I had an epiphany.  I realized my revenge is unfounded.  My ex has many trials that he will need to deal with the rest of his life.  I do not NEED revenge.  I can be happy and healthy and whole!  Ever since this realization, (which by the way, was told to me several months ago, but I was not ready to hear it.  I needed to come to this conclusion in my own time and in my own way.) I have been at peace.  I am not angry anymore and I am ready to be happy, to make my life the way I want it, I am excited!

This weekend was my daughters party.  I so dreaded this party before.  Thank goodness my sense of peace overcame me before this day.  He felt really awkward at her party.  I let him stew in his awkwardness for a bit (I still think the reality of his decisions need to be felt) and then I saved him and invited him to sit next to me and encouraged him to enjoy his daughters birthday party.  2 weeks ago this would not have been possible for me.  So things are looking up!  I have no disillusions that there will be another ride down the hill of this rollercoaster called divorce but for now I am going to enjoy inner peace!   

New outlook

On Thursday I went with my friend and her son to the river.  We went to one of my favorite spots about an hour and a half away.  It was perfect not too hot and a breeze.  L and her friend were playing in the water together and having fun.  In the middle of the river is a large rock that people jump off of.  L and her friend were playing at the base of the rock.  There was a kid at the top of the rock with a large rock.  I imagine that he carried it up there to throw it off and make a big splash.  However he lost control of it and it rolled down the jumping rock and smacked L right in the head before making its splash.  L was a little stunned at first and then the blood curdling scream started.  My friend and I swam out to her and brought her back to shore.  She immediately had this huge goose egg at her temple.  We got some ice on it and decided our day at the river was over.  I carried my petite 60 lb. girl the 1/2 mile hike out.  When we got to the car she threw up so we made the decision to take her to the ER.  The Dr. decided he wanted to do a CAT scan to make sure she didn't have a fracture around her eye socket.  All turned out well, she had a slight concussion, but nothing major.  It however scared me.  Just a moment in time that could have turned out very different.  I was reminded of the fleetingness (I don't think that's a word) of life and I decided I needed to be a better parent.  Not that I could have avoided that event at all, but that I needed to suck it up and start co-parenting our daughter.  I needed to leave my animosity towards the ex at the door and do what is best for my girl.  So I am trying.  I called him and we had a good conversation about the incident.   We had some communication about some stuff going on with our finances that went well.  He came to pick her up today and it was hard to keep the momentum up, but I did my best and will continue.  Am I still angry, hell yes, but what purpose does it serve to project my anger on him.  He is who he is.  He showed me who he is a long time ago.  It isn't his fault I chose not to listen.  Since this conscience choice I have not been all consumed in thought.  I've had moments where I haven't thought of him at all.  Do I think I'm out of the woods, not at all, but I can sure try to do what is right by Lily and set the anger aside as much as possible. 

Distraction

I think the hardest part of this experience is losing control.  I like to be in control of my life.  I like to be able to control the outcome of situations.  I like to feel as if I am steering the vessel of my life.  Ever since alcoholism and drug addiction entered my life I have not been at the helm of the ship.  I've been bailing the water out of someone else's ship.  I've been living with someone else's life choices and someone else's mistakes.  When I sent him to rehab I felt as if I had taken my life back.  When I separated our finances I liberated myself and became the master of my own vessel, but then he walked out and I lost complete control.   When he got out of rehab I was cautious and angry, but also hopeful that the worst was behind us and we would finally be able to move on.  And we did move on.  The movement just was not in the direction I wanted.  So now I feel adrift again like I can not catch the wind in the right direction.  And that wind carries constant thoughts of him.  Divorce, divorce, divorce, I can not escape the thoughts.  Distraction is my friend.  These last two weeks have been particularly difficult because distraction has been fleeting at best.  Next week and the week after I work Monday-Wednesday.  Next Thursday I will go to Laguna beach for some time with my friend and her son.  Then I will go camping.  I don't know that I can really afford these things.  I know my savings should be saved for lawyers or mediators.  Right now I can not bring myself to file for divorce.  I know I should be flying there to sever ties before he does any more damage to my credit but I just can not seem to gather the will.  It just seems so overwhelming.  Everything right now is just overwhelming.  Distraction is my friend.

forgiveness

I am on this up and down roller coaster of emotion right now.  Earlier in the week I was sure I needed a shirt that said "Warning: constant eye leakage"  It isn't exactly that I would want my ex back,  I want a better future for myself.  I want stability, I want a bank account that doesn't roll to zero before the next payday, I don't want to worry about what is coming into my home,  I don't want to worry about whether or not I'm being lied to, I'd like to retire one day, I'd like to one day own a home again.  I'd like for all those hopes and dreams I had before I stood up and said I do to come true.  What I am mourning is the loss of my family.  I hate that my family has become another statistic.  I hate that L is hurting and this time I caused the pain.  The pain that she feels about being adopted is heart breaking but I can come at it from this level headed calm sort of place because it is not pain I caused.  I can not fully understand it but I can empathize from a place of pure comfort and support because whether she lived with me or another family her beginning would have been the same.  But this, this is totally different.  My own emotion is so wrapped in it that I have trouble separating it not getting emotional right with her.  I was thinking the other day that perhaps I could forgive and that I could be cordial when he gets back from his vacation.  I ultimately would like that, but here is the thing.  I am once again left to pick up the pieces of his impulsive behavior, because I am the safe one.  I am the one who will always be here for our daughter.  I am the one she feels comfortable raging at and crying with and being downright mean to.  He is not her stability, I am.  So just like during his days of being an addict here I sit mending the pieces.  Only I am mending the pieces of a very sad and angry little girl.  Who has abandonment issues and who has just been abandoned again.  Don't get me wrong he is still a part of her life, but it doesn't change the fact that she feels abandoned.  As she cried into my chest after I had to take away her electronics yet again for yelling at me.  I let her stew in it and then we had a real conversation about what we are really upset about and she cried into my chest about how she doesn't want her daddy to leave her.  She wants him back here.  She doesn't want us to be broken up.  And I just held her while she cried.  I did good this time not letting my own wave of emotion come.  I know we will get through it but I can not expect my anger at this horrible situation to dissipate anytime soon.  I need to give myself time.  I've been practicing changing my thought process.  Most of the time I can do this.  Like on the fourth of July when I was the only single girl amid a bunch of couples, or the phone call I got about L going to visit her relatives from Oregon who are in town.  My sister in law who happens to be my former best friend.  For a moment I felt the wave of sadness before I realized I should be celebrating not having to go and deal with that uncomfortable situation.  It is liberating being able to do that.  So most of the time I can frame my train of thought in a different way and feel much better, but not when it comes to my baby.  I can not do it yet.  I am however able to encourage her to call her dad.  I am able to talk about her dad without any trace of anger when she needs to speak about him.  I am able to maneuver the give and take of the custody stuff.  I am able to encourage her relationship with all her relatives on that side of the family.  I am trying to do the best I can for her and make it as easy as I possibly can for her sake. For now that is the best I can do and for now it is enough. 

LOADED

Have been perusing dating websites.  I'm not interested in dating but I know at some point I'll have to.  The idea at the moment sends shivers down my spine and makes me want to crawl in a cave, but since I don't want to be a cat lady I know at some point it's inevitable. The dating not the being a cat lady. Just for inquiring minds I'm giving myself 6 months to a year.  As I have been perusing these sites I've found some obvious pitfalls.  The largest is the question about children.  Do I want them?  Does he want them?  Back in the dark ages, when I was dating, these things would have come up naturally.  The state of my uterus was unknown at the time, but if I had known, there would have been time to get to know the person before discussing the pitfall of my organs.  Is there even a way to answer the kid question in a questionnaire?  The answer no is not exactly right but the answer yes is misleading.  Perhaps a maybe would suffice but even a maybe implies that it's a possibility.  How about I'd love a child how much do you have to put down?  Or yes but in search of egg donor and healthy uterus.  There is always the loved ask me later that would imply I'd like to discuss my uterus on a first date.  Maybe my answer could just be peri-menopausal I bet that'd score me a date or two.  I am mostly poking fun cause really what else is there to do.  Perhaps the whole cat lady scenario isn't so bad after all.  L has always wanted a cat.

THROUGH

There is a saying about grief.  The only way out is through.  I'm familiar with the process.  I did it when I found out I couldn't have children, I did it when we lost Luci and again while he was in rehab.  I know there is another side.  I know I will look back at this time and revel at the lessons learned and the strength of character I gained, but right now I just see grief as this black serpent coming to get me.  There are times I win the war and times he is able to spindle his writhing body around my own and hold on.  Today was one of those days.  I woke up to the stark reality that I am alone.  That the king bed I inhabit is mine and mine alone.  The bathroom with two sinks they're all mine too.  The mess left in the garage and the sink in the kitchen that is clogged mine, mine, mine.  I let myself cry it out and then expected that spindly snake to let me be.  I fought it at first.  I made my lists of tasks to accomplish.  I fixed the half ass paint job in the bedroom.  I unclogged the sink.  I called and got a better rate on car insurance.  But as each task was done he didn't let go, today he held on the whole damn day.  So today I let him have me.  I turned on the television, put my rattiest pajamas on, felt a little sorry for myself, let my eyes leak at random.  Today I let grief have me by the neck.  So Mr. Black Serpent you've had your day.  Tomorrow you may not have me back.  Tomorrow I will enjoy my day at the river with my friends and revel in the fact that it is summer vacation.  I know there will be other days like today.  I know the serpent isn't done with me by a long shot, but you see I'll let him have his way every once in awhile, but I refuse to be the victim in this scenario.  I will walk through this with my head held high.  If the only way out is through, through it we shall go.

perspective and some sleep

L woke up on Friday morning and felt much better.  She was able to stay with her dad and have a good time.  I am happy for her.  I was also able to have a good time.  The river is my spot.  It's beauty and refreshing properties have always been my recharging place.  It flows downstream with it's constant rebirth of water.  Each second it is on refresh.  I am on refresh at the moment.  I went to the river with my bestie.  She has been my lifeline throughout this entire experience.  She also has been burned and knows what I am going through.  She was able to deal with custody of their son with class and she is my roll model.  I am so very, very thankful for her.   So we went to the river with 6 people and me.  3 couples and I.  I had a few minutes that I felt sad for my uncoupled status.  I felt myself going down that woe is me path especially with the previous nights events.  Then I thought about my last 2 fourth of July's.  Yes they were with my girl, but I was not with a partner.  In fact most of my married life I did these functions on my own. That was because of my ex's work schedule and not his affliction, on the rare occasion that we went together I was either embarrassed by the end and trying to get us to leave or uncomfortable because alcohol was around and it was awkward.  He felt awkward and made me feel awkward.   So I shrugged it off and enjoyed the rest of my day.  I let the river do it's job of refreshing.  Now L is here for two weeks without sharing cause her dad is on vacation and we shall do some refreshing river time together.  I shall enjoy my time without maneuvering the custody stuff.  Hey maybe he will just move to Oregon.  Just kidding, sort of...........

Pain

I had the most enjoyable day!  I went to brunch with some new friends and out to dinner with an old friend.  I left both those places feeling at peace and happy and like things were going to be ok.  I got home turned on the tv and planned to relax and go to bed, but I got the phone call via facetime.  The one I've been dreading.  The mommy I miss you and I want to come home.  The why can't you and Daddy be together.  The I don't like this.  The I don't want to leave Daddy, but I want to be with you. The I've never spent 3 nights away from you.  Most of the time she held the phone above her face so I couldn't see it.  At first I did good.  I told her I was sorry.  I told her Daddy and I loved her.  I told her adults sometimes have problems they can not fix and Daddy and I would be living apart.  Every once in awhile she would put the phone in front of her face and I would see the heartbreak there.  God I want to fix it.  I want to make her whole again.  I want to take away the world that is causing her pain.   For the first 5 minutes I was strong for her and then I just cracked  and the flood gates opened and I started crying and she told me she was sorry and she cried too.  I told her not to be sorry that it was ok.  That I was ok.  That she would be ok too.  Right now I hate him.  With every fiber of my being I hate him. I hate him for putting me in a situation where I can not hug my baby when she's hurting.  I hate him for causing me so much pain, but mostly I hate him for causing my child pain.  Right now I want to make him hurt.  I want to make him hurt like I hurt.  I want to make him hurt for her.  Understand I won't do anything vicious or mean or vindictive.  I am a level headed girl.   Please send my girl happy thoughts and prayers she needs them.  Send some my way too.  I  need them too.

Alone

The man in the house has been gone for about 2 months.  In the beginning I was working.  I was so busy it was a  breath of fresh air to come to the surface and have a little solace.  I love, love the summer, but this summer is stretched out before me.  L left today and is staying 3 nights with her dad.  They took the dog, because it makes L feel better.  It is the first holiday in 8 years I will be without her.  I didn't buy a cute fourth of July outfit and make plans to take pictures and hug her through the big booms.  I immediately texted every person I know and tried to fill the space where she usually is.  I filled each day with something, but tonight I am alone.  I filled my home with music and am eating Brussels sprouts.  Something in my home  that is largely frowned upon.  I'll watch a movie without interruption. I'll read my book.  Perhaps I'll fix the half ass painting job that was done so many months ago.  I will be fine and tomorrow I will not be alone.  For today though sharing my girl sucks.

My own PSA

I recorded Dr. Oz today. Dr. Oz really annoys me.  I know he has his followers but he is just one of those people I can not stand.  In my opinion there is something disingenuous about him.  Anyways the reason that I recorded him is because his show was about heroin use and the suburban mom.  Now don't get too worried I'm not going to become a junky.  However I am very familiar with the decline.  I am very familiar with what might make someone a junky.  If only 3 or 4 years ago I could have known this information.  I remember looking at my ex's eyes on so many occasions and thinking wow that just looks off.  I am naïve, really, really naïve.  I thought that all drugs made your pupils dilate.  I had caught him several times taking prescription meds, but told myself (because remember I was not ready) that he had stopped.  I would look up opiates and symptoms of taking them and it never listed pupil constriction.  Nor did I ever find a website that said the use of opiates leads to the use of heroin.  I even had an app on my phone that would tell me what a pill was by putting color shape and numbers in.  Yes my friends there is an app for everything.  And why should I, or any other suburban mother, know this information.  Well because if it could happen to me it could happen to anyone.  And it's not just suburban moms it's everyone from children to the elderly no one is safe.  Luckily I got fed up before heroin came into our home.  At least I think I did.  Luckily for my family even in its crumpled disjointed fashion there is sobriety.  You know what else I learned from the time someone becomes addicted to opiates (which if you are naïve like me include any prescription pain killers) to their demise is 3 years.  I believe that I saved my ex's life.  I didn't get much of a consolation prize.  I take that back ,yes I did, my daughter has a father.  That may be the best prize ever!  And thank you Dr. Oz I now know if the ex comes around with constricted pupils we've taken a fall.  I guess I'll cut ya a break.

Getting Real

I am writing this here so that I don't forget.  I think as time moves it begins to lesson the severity of things.  You know like childbirth.  I am all about moving forward but I also don't want a false sense of security either.  In 2012/2013 my ex made some decisions that led to the demise of our marriage.  He was always a risk taker.  He was always a drinker but the drinking got more and more extreme until it spiraled completely out of control.  In 2013 I was not quite ready to be honest with myself so instead of deal with the calamity in front of me I tried to get pregnant.  I made all kinds of deals with myself as my life spun out of control.  I really wanted a bigger family and I rationalized that I was getting too old to wait.  In the same token I was telling myself that I would wait to leave until my daughter was older and I could explain to her how to keep herself safe. Looking back on that time I think what were you thinking, but I wasn't, I was grasping and holding on for dear life.  Rational thought left the building until much later.  In October of 2013 there was a family birthday party where my ex got completely out of control and embarrassed me and made a fool of himself.  My dad pulled me aside and said I think your husband is an alcoholic.  This brought me completely to my senses.  My secret was not well kept.  The next week I found out my, ignore the calamity and get pregnant ,came to fruition and the stick turned pink.  Thankfully my body did what it always does and I miscarried.  Once I gathered myself I steeled myself for the road ahead.  Still not sure 100% how to proceed.  I was so very scared.  Scared if I just walked away he would hurt my child.  Scared that if he was alone with her something would happen.  Then things spiraled further out of control and I told him to leave.  He came back with all kinds of ideas mostly around being just a social drinker.  I held my ground and he told me he needed til his birthday and then he would enter rehab.  In the course of time I found that alcohol was not his only poison and hoped and prayed I could get him to rehab.  I agreed to his terms because rehab was now on the table.  It is not pretty getting someone into rehab.  He was angry and abusive.  Not physically, but I was called some pretty horrible names and told some pretty horrible things about myself, but I kept persevering.  Telling myself I could make it to his birthday.  Then he did something I could not forgive and I kicked him out and I stood my ground.  I knew I could keep my girl safe and I would go to any measures to do so.  I was finally ready.  He went to rehab the next day and completed a 30 day stint.  It was a terrible time for my daughter.  We had no money she was a wreck and I didn't know what to do.  Luckily I have a very, very good support system. I was able to improve my situation and readied myself for the high likelihood that he would not stay sober.  I separated our bank accounts and stood on my own two feet.  I decided never again would I allow myself to be in my previous situation.   We made it through the 30 days and I stood by my husband hoping and praying for everyone's sake he would stay sober.  We went to counseling and I told him my terms to continue our relationship.  1. He must stay sober.  2. He must be responsible for his finances. (Our finances were already destroyed and I wanted to start over) 3.No more lying. (This is a symptom of being an alcoholic.)  Right away he blew my second condition.  He bought a car he absolutely could not afford and was not even remotely a family car.   He promised me he could handle the payments and things would be different.  I have to give him credit because he has stayed sober and that is no small feat, but he was not able to afford his car.  It took 18 months for me to figure out just how much he could not afford his car.  In the midst of 18 months condition number 3 was not kept and he began lying in order to cover up the fact that he was once again spiraling out of control but in a different way. Now he has moved out and I am tasked with really starting over.  Really finding out who I am.  Sending him to rehab instilled a confidence in me that I will be forever grateful for.  I am not weak or broken but strong and fierce.  I am ready for the future and what lies ahead.  I'll continue to write here.  I really think my story might help other people.  I am thankful for so many things.  I am mostly thankful for my career.  Without it all of this would be so much harder.   I've lost some friends and gained some friends along the way but I have a big support system and I will make it out of this and I'll be better off.