Sunshine and teeter totters

I haven't been here in a very long time. I am feeling the spring lift my spirits and my soul. I am healing. I am back to where I was before. I can see hang out and talk to pregnant people. Gasp dare I say I could even go to a baby shower. Don't hold ones breath but I may be able to attend one of those parties. I don't feel angry and desperate and hateful because I can not produce a biological child. I feel happiness and peace with my family. It is so good to be back. With each month of this year since June it marks something. A what if or a this is what was. Her due date was the hardest and I find myself clawing my way back to myself. Not the same me that was before Luciana but a me I am able to stand once again. I dare say a me that I like. At first I wondered what it all might mean. I was desperate to find meaning behind my sensless loss. I think now I don't need to find meaning behind the creulness that is just life sometimes. I am a stronger woman because of each of my losses. I am a even stronger woman because of Lucy.

So if it is all roses why am I here and not on my rosy blog. There is this new sort of birth control thing in which makes it so a woman who is done with her family can no longer become pregnant. A magic procedure where you don't skip a beat. I think that is perhaps what brings me here. Peter would like me to get said procedure done. He only has my absolute best interest in mind. He is the one who had to drag me back to life. He is the one who had to hold me until I thought my tears might just cause a lift on our constant Ca drought. My complete and utter devastation left him feeling as if perhaps there was something in this world my personal handyman could not fix. He is right to want me to put a stop to the occassional scare that we just might have to walk that path again. But alas I can not do this for him. There is something about the finality to all that that makes my fragile sense of healing perhaps teeter. As silly as it is I need my uterus functioning properly in order to be okay. It is not lost on me that my uterus obviously does not funtion as it should. But what if's plague me. What if I win the lotto and could spend endless money on invitro. What if someone finds a magic cure for miscarriage. You get the idea I could go on. Right after my loss I was all for never ever stepping foot in a OB office to check for a heartbeat. Good lord get that wand away from my privates or forever hold your peace. But my doctor talked me out of it. She told me I might feel just this way. I am very happy I chose to listen. I still do not plan to get pregnant again but I need a uterus and two fallopian tubes to make me look through those rose colored glasses.