Get Real

The last get real post I did I erased from my blog I felt like it was too honest or maybe just plain TMI. I was in a super vulnerable place in my life and felt as if I was already stripped bare. I felt the need to purge information that was eating away at me. Now though I feel like people are embarassed when they meet me in person that they read my blog. They know too much. Once again though I feel the floodgates of emotion ready to unleash and here seems to be where the flood is easiest to bare. I should be 8 months pregnant, most days that does not permeate my day, most days I can hold on to the great things in my life and not concentrate on the fact that life is not fair. But, recently I went to an adoption picnic and for some reason this brought up a floodgate of emotions. It is like I have started the grieving process again. After my first 3 miscarriages I was mad. I was bitter and couldn't walk into baby stores or the kids area of target without feeling bitter. I could taste my anger in my mouth and feel it taking over me. Then we made the decision to adopt and all the anger dissipated. It was as if I had those experiences for a reason. I found happiness again and then when this picture of Lily was placed in my lap I knew that there was a plan for my life and that I was supposed to be this babies mother. So fast forwad to my current state. I was not trying to become pregnant last spring. Although it was a surprise I was so happy and excited. When I made it past the 12 week hurdle my excitement for this new baby was over the top. Then the disbelief that I was loosing that perfect package was devestating. I saw the shape of her nose her ten tiny fingers the four chambers of her perfect beating heart and I can not understand how life is so cruel. To add insult to injury I was forced to step into an abortion clinic and lie with women in recovery who got the privelege to make a choice about their babies. So I am trying to make sense of it I am trying to find meaning in the harsh cruel world. I am back in this angry place and I don't want to be here. I want to make sense where no sense can be made. Then I see posts of people with real intense tradedy and feel disgusted that I have let myself feel pity for myself when clearly there are others that are handling their own tragedys with grace and dignity. I want grace. I want dignity but most of all I want my baby.