Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Years eve
Yesterday Peter and I were putting the christmas ornaments away. This christmas I felt full and as if I gave my daughter a lovely christmas filled with traditions and wonder and a few gifts. It really was not about gifts though it was about family. Just as it should be. As we were cleaning up Peter got a phone call. It is New Years Eve so I heard him ask what they were doing and then the question oh is she on antibiotics (in reference to why she couldn't partake in a beverage.) I knew it meant our friends had wonderful news. I heard Josh say Krista's pregnant clear as day through the reciever. I felt happy for her but upon such news I also felt the crushing darkness that is the hole in my heart. I didn't let him know I heard and it took him a full half hour to tell me the news. I know it is terribly hard for my family. I know telling me of others joy is hard for them. Sometimes I take the news well and sometimes it makes me withdraw into my cocoon once again. Peter said he wondered if I'll ever be able to be happy when I hear others good news. He doesn't get it and thats okay I can be simultaneously happy for Krista she will be a wonderful mother and sad for the emptiness that is left from the baby that wasn't. I tried to explain it to him but I could feel the rush of emotion so I withdrew it is new years eve afterall not a time for the venom to rear its ugly head. I dont really have words to explain the dichotemy anyways. I know that no matter how much time passes Lucy will still not be here and so my hole will be there. That hole is okay it is a badge of honor. The hole is all I get to keep of her. It may mean I won't attend Krista's baby shower it may mean my family will not ever truly understand but it is my piece of my daughter that I am keeping all my own.
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Sarah, I hope you don't mind my reading this blog, too, since it is so very personal. You can tell me ... honestly you can ... if you would rather I not read it. But for some reason I feel such a deep connection to your loss of Lucy. Maybe because I helped name her??? I don't know why.
Or maybe because I felt similar feelings when Maya's adoption dragged out so very long (well, in my mind it was extremely long). I got to where I hated to even discuss babies, and hated to see pg women, and hated to hear about new mothers, and mostly hated to hear any woman complain about any part of her pregnancy, as I thought she couldn't ever understand the gift she was given.
I have a good friend who had a wonderful, beautiful baby girl. Then she got pg again and lost the baby 4 hours after her birth to a chromosomal disorder. I understood her hurt, I truly did. But as time dragged on, she became angry about not being able to get pg again. Then I started to lose my sympathy for her .. she had one perfect child, and I had none. Why couldn't she be grateful for the one she had when some of us couldn't have any at all? But then I saw Maria's little face in pictures. Oh, how I worried about not getting that baby ... MY baby. There were things going on in our family that gave me serious reasons to worry that something might happen to prevent her from coming home to us, not to mention the issues in Guate at the time, and I have never prayed so much or so hard for time to pass, and to pass quickly! So all of a sudden it made sense with my other friend. Who, by the way, was the one who led us to Guatemala to adopt, as she proceeded to adopt from there, and her Guate baby is the one who caused E's change of heart about adoption all together. So I believe there is a reason for everything that happens, whether we find out what it is or not.
I think I'm rambling now. I just wanted to say that I truly understand your feelings somehow, even though I have not ever experienced a pg or a miscarriage. I simply understand the hole in your heart, and I know I would have that same hole if Maria had not made it home. And I understand the ability to be celebrate another child's birth while still being sad for your loss, and how that loss can take precedence over the joy. I think your blog is an excellent idea, and I pray that it will bring you peace, even if it doesn't mend that hole.
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