So previous to a few evenings ago I have been happily moving through life with the belief that my husband did not want more children so therefore we would have no more children. I could comfortably blame it all on him. That is until eating a extremely yummy pasta dinner across from a family with a small infant. The infant happened to be a boy and held the same strawberry blonde hair as my husband. I didn't take much notice as that is my usual reaction to cute infants I don't know. I ignore their presence completely as if their cuteness can not penetrate my infertility shield. So there I was happily munching a mushroom drenched in some sort of creamy heaven when Peter looks at me and asks, as if it is a normal question in my family and not one avoided like the plaugue, if I ever think about trying again. My response was,
every.... single.... day.
To which he responded just as noncholantly that we could if I wanted. And there you have it that ball is now in my court when previous to this it has comfortably resided in his.
So now that I have the ball whatever do I do with it?
Therapy is what I need.
1 comment:
We are all so screwed up aren't we. Ignoring babies, it speaks to me I lived that life.
Here's the thing, you hurt so much now, you will always hurt and yearn, and always most likely blame your husband, not for everythign that happened but for the bitterness you continue to have by him not wanting the way you want.
Do you have a good fertility doctor, or a good OB/GYN? I would make and appointment with them, have a plan in place so if you are pregnant is there anything else you should/could do differently, or was it just bad luck (boy did I here this phrase alot, and my cousin who delievered at 6 months along after infertility) stupid bad luck, seriousley.
I know its scary but doens't it feel good to have him "on your side", like you are a bit more of a team.
I will never forget just say8ng that perhaps I would go in and have ablation done becuase my periods were so horific, thats when Joe says "oh I thought maybe we would keep on trying" really???? why would I have ever thought he would want to. Now we ended up trying and doing all that natropath stuff, but that got the ball rolling enough that we were back to adoption.
I cannot describe for you how I feel, its so wierd I feel so much more complete, there will always be some sadness and yearning but geez its like I have my life back, its good to be almost present in the world again.
I say go to the doctor, and you already know the pain of losing a child, it is like no other, I cannnot imagine. But you are still wanting, this is something you and your husband can again be doing together rather then have it feel like it so onesided and just you thinking about it all day long.
Its certainly a risk to take, but I see my sister in law and my aunt who have no children and they might say they are fine but I can tell they aren't but they both were not willing to put themselves out there.
I remember being so so suprised that I was still protecting myself and how babies and pregnancy bothered me, I thought I would be fixed with Maya, she was perfect, not perfect adoption but hell we got home. I just wasn't coplete yet but I was so thankful to have her, just like you are for Lily.
You must try or live with regrets.
Sending you lots of good thoughts, email anytime, sorry I ramble so much.
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