Over the last few months I've been contemplating and weighing all of my options. I'm 37 and the years I have of fertility are dwindling. It is not my first choice. I would much rather adopt but we have exhausted every avenue and there is just not an option that both of us are comfortable doing. We went to a foster adopt orientation and it is not for us. Peter simply isn't comfortable with the idea and I respect his views. So that left me feeling like my options were dwindling and I must turn my back and close the door. Only the door won't seem to shut. There is still this crack of light that I can't seem to extinguish. I tried blowing on it, slamming it shut, closing my eyes as tight as I could, searched desperately for the light switch but no matter what I did I just couldn't make it dark. That glimmer of light is pregnancy something I have repeatedly said I would never do, but it's there and it lingers. I've been pregnant 4 times. Each has ended rather abruptly but the thing is I CAN get pregnant and I've been deemed perfectly healthy so I think I'll be sad if I turn 40 and don't try.
It may be taboo to speak of miscarriage but the truth is I need some girls in my corner. Rooting for me, and arms to catch me when I fall, and hands in case I need the dust brushed off, and arms around me whether they be virtual or not.
So with a deep breathe I'm opening that door and walking right through. All the same fears are right here in front of me. I still am not rich. I still have no idea how I will pay for infant care. I don't know if I can handle two children, I am crazy scared I will end up in an abortion clinic again, but I will not let fear be my leader. I am going to take one more leap and pray I land somewhere soft this time.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I am here anytime, virtually or not. I understand that you just can't close the door, I was there too, but adoption was the option for us. After weighing our options which would be using my sister in law but making the embreyo. since we don't know what the problem is I couldn't see going into debt with all the fertility treatment we have already done. Other then you I have NEVER heard of anyone having to go to an abortion clinic, you need to switch doctors, and I would suggest start looking for the best high risk doctors and go there. YOu are older but not too old, but still there is more risk and given your history there is higher risk of miscarriage. My cousin is going in every week, sometimes more for shots and what have you trying to keep her baby (20 weeks), she lost her daughter Ava last year delivering at 6 months. Its just so heartbreaking.
Please surround yourself with the best doctors that will monitor you and be one top of things.
Feel free to vent here anytime, shame on your family that don't support you, that's just awful, its not like you are out there trying to loose the baby or doing drugs and alcohol.
Whatever this brings at least you know you tried, not that that might bring you piece if the outcome doesn't turn out like you wanted but better then living with regret and wondering why didn't we just try again even though it could be painful, because it just might not be and it might turn out wonderful.
you can always email me to if you want. gretsky4@yahoo.com
I'm really excited for you I know its so scary but its exciting to be taking a step and hoping things turn out.
Post a Comment