I made this blog private because I didn't want to be judged for trying again. I needed a safe place to vent. I decided this blog does not need to be private. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to hide. I have dealt with lifes curve balls the best I can. Perhaps someone feeling lost will come upon this blog and find comfort in the fact that even with the heartbreak of infertility a family can still be had. Not everyday is a good one and I will always carry what I call my wounds. They are mostly covered and rarely rear the head of grief but on occasion they show the rawness that infertility brings. My story is different from some and the same as others. The wounds I carry are not unique not even really profound.
I used to get angry at myself for not just getting on with it already. My perception has now changed. If you stuff the emotions they will come out some other way. On a friend or a family member or worse your child. So you just have to walk through the emotion when it comes. Sit with awhile if need be. Recently I did just that. My friend is pregnant with her second child. I'm very appreciative that she tells me this news by way of email. I will always need a moment to process. It is not because I am mean or vindictive. Only that I wish it were us. My baby would have been born sometime this summer. Hers will be born in the fall. It would have been so fun to do this together. So this time I just aloud myself the moment to grieve what I've lost time and time again. I took my moment in the bathroom with the door closed and then I wiped my tears and moved on. I love my friend and I will love both her children like they are family. I will happily attend her shower and I will be excited to take part in this new babies life. From now on I will just allow myself the minute let myself have a good ugly cry and then carry on. Cause that's all any of us can do is carry on. It does me no good to do the if only, I wish game.
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It sounds like you are in a good place of learning how to deal with and live with all that has happened, and is still in process. it sounds like you have a good friend, you are very lucky. When my cousin went thru years of surgery's trying to undo the scar tissue from a D&C, then did get pregnant only to have to deliver at 6 months along. 10 days after her daughter died in her arms we adopted Benjamin. I made sure my first phone call was to my aunt (her mother). Now this is her mother who was there too and saw her daughter and son in law fall to pieces losing their daughter. She still says " Oh Katie will be so excited for you". I finally got it thru to her that, NO she wouldn't be, Yes she can be happy for us, but at this time no, she had no children and of course was goign to wish it were her. I have been there.
I"m glad you can recognize taking the moment. I have a good friend that I can vent to and say ugly things too when I used to get so upset, and she wouldn't judge me.
Take care of yourself, and I"m glad you made your blog public again, because I think you are right, even if there isn't a comment and can help people to know they aren't alone, they might not have a good support system, or even like my aunt, they just don't get it.
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