It's been ugly around here. I have not been able to write. I was afraid of what I may spew on this page. All I saw was red for a period of time and all I wanted was revenge. I am not a vengeful person, I am also a deeply forgiving person but I did not feel either of these virtues. I knew this person I was, was not who I wanted to be, but I couldn't help it. I could not help but remind my ex what an idiot I thought he was every chance I got. I would pep talk myself as I drove to his house that I would be cordial. I would tell myself I could do this and then I would get to his driveway and just see red. Thankfully text messages made my crusade silent as far as L was concerned. She was not exposed to my tirade, however she was exposed by the tense interactions between the two of us.
I started training for a half marathon again. This once again has been my saving grace. To pound my anger on the pavement has been life saving. One day I was running and I had an epiphany. I realized my revenge is unfounded. My ex has many trials that he will need to deal with the rest of his life. I do not NEED revenge. I can be happy and healthy and whole! Ever since this realization, (which by the way, was told to me several months ago, but I was not ready to hear it. I needed to come to this conclusion in my own time and in my own way.) I have been at peace. I am not angry anymore and I am ready to be happy, to make my life the way I want it, I am excited!
This weekend was my daughters party. I so dreaded this party before. Thank goodness my sense of peace overcame me before this day. He felt really awkward at her party. I let him stew in his awkwardness for a bit (I still think the reality of his decisions need to be felt) and then I saved him and invited him to sit next to me and encouraged him to enjoy his daughters birthday party. 2 weeks ago this would not have been possible for me. So things are looking up! I have no disillusions that there will be another ride down the hill of this rollercoaster called divorce but for now I am going to enjoy inner peace!
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It's hard when things have to happen for you on your own time and not when others point them out, but that's just life. I"m so glad you are there now and can move on and realize that you are amazing and can do whatever you want with life.
I didn't know if you read my blog anymore but if you wanted to can you resend me your email so I can put it in, I am now private.
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