Walmart beans and rice

It is so strange to me how grief works. Today I was grocery shopping something I have been doing at Walmart lately. It is a pain in the ass but oh so much less expensive. So anyways I walked past this hispanic couple and their little girl looked very much like my daughter. She was around a month old or so and it suddenly struck me that I would never get to hold a baby of my own that was this little. That I missed this portion of her life. Someone else got to hold her when she was this small. This was overwhelming for me in the middle of walmart. Among tortillas and beans I wanted to sob for my loss of Lucy. Just when I think I am fine I once again realize I should be getting ready to give birth. That a newborn is not a reality I get to have. And once again I find myself swallowing my grief and feeding the venom inside of me. I will be fine I will be fine I will be fine. It is my mantra. I have so much and this will not destroy me I will survive. I am a survivor.