Hoping I'm enough

I have discovered the problem with being the ex wife of an addict.  I don't think he's fallen off the wagon, but all the behaviors of an addict are still ever present.  When I started on the journey to get him sober I remember thinking if only.  If only he stops drinking it will be so much better.  If only he kicks the pill habit it will be so much better.  Here is what I have learned.  Addicts are addicts are addicts.  It does not matter if you take the substance away the behaviors still exist.  It is really very sad.  Mostly it is sad for my daughter.  She is beginning to understand that on the list of important things in his life she is not on the top.  A few weeks ago she came back from his house crying.  She said I think daddy has a new girlfriend.  I don't think I'm important to him.  I think she will take my place.  At that time I told her that will never happen!!  I defended him telling her that even if he has another lady in his life she would still be very, very important to him.  Then it started becoming so apparent that my words just did not ring true.  That her best interest was no where near the forefront of his thought.  That being a good role model is not on the list of what a father is.  My heart is breaking for my little girl who deserves so much more.  The self centered, selfish behavior of an addict is here it is in our face and it is ravaging us with a vengeance.  You see the substance doesn't really matter if the person isn't going to do the work, those behaviors are ingrained.  I'm so happy to not be living with him, but it doesn't stop those behaviors from entering my safe place.  Without spewing his personal information here, because this blog is not about vengeance, I will say that I have limited his access to her to two evenings a week.  I did this and told him I thought MY priorities were out of whack. I so hope that we can get the custody paperwork drawn and this agreement will stick.  The other day the conversation came up again about her feeling unimportant in his world and I couldn't deny it.  All I could say is, I am so sorry you feel that way.  I love you and you will always be important to me.  Each night before she goes to sleep I repeat these words to her.  I love you.  You will always be important to me!  All I can hope for is that I am enough!  All I can do is be the best role model possible.  All I can do is love her like a vengeance!  I was for awhile trying to make him parent.  It was funny really because it was our marriage playing out all over again.  I wanted to make sure he didn't walk away.  I wanted to make sure he was not one more person in her life to leave her.  I've finally discovered it's not my place.  I can not make him be a father.  Even if I force him to spend time with her, I can not force him to parent.  So I am done.  This week was terrible.  My emotions are everywhere.  I absolutely lost my cool. Which is never good.  It never feels good.  It never accomplishes anything.  It never is the release I hope it will be, but I am human, and I'm allowed to make mistakes!  The best I can do is learn from it and be better next time.  Please send us positive thoughts as we really need them right now.  Please send positive thoughts that I can be enough to fill a broken little girl who has experienced more loss than any little person deserves.  I fear the worst is yet to come.  Please pray that I can handle whatever lies ahead with dignity and grace.