forgiveness

I am on this up and down roller coaster of emotion right now.  Earlier in the week I was sure I needed a shirt that said "Warning: constant eye leakage"  It isn't exactly that I would want my ex back,  I want a better future for myself.  I want stability, I want a bank account that doesn't roll to zero before the next payday, I don't want to worry about what is coming into my home,  I don't want to worry about whether or not I'm being lied to, I'd like to retire one day, I'd like to one day own a home again.  I'd like for all those hopes and dreams I had before I stood up and said I do to come true.  What I am mourning is the loss of my family.  I hate that my family has become another statistic.  I hate that L is hurting and this time I caused the pain.  The pain that she feels about being adopted is heart breaking but I can come at it from this level headed calm sort of place because it is not pain I caused.  I can not fully understand it but I can empathize from a place of pure comfort and support because whether she lived with me or another family her beginning would have been the same.  But this, this is totally different.  My own emotion is so wrapped in it that I have trouble separating it not getting emotional right with her.  I was thinking the other day that perhaps I could forgive and that I could be cordial when he gets back from his vacation.  I ultimately would like that, but here is the thing.  I am once again left to pick up the pieces of his impulsive behavior, because I am the safe one.  I am the one who will always be here for our daughter.  I am the one she feels comfortable raging at and crying with and being downright mean to.  He is not her stability, I am.  So just like during his days of being an addict here I sit mending the pieces.  Only I am mending the pieces of a very sad and angry little girl.  Who has abandonment issues and who has just been abandoned again.  Don't get me wrong he is still a part of her life, but it doesn't change the fact that she feels abandoned.  As she cried into my chest after I had to take away her electronics yet again for yelling at me.  I let her stew in it and then we had a real conversation about what we are really upset about and she cried into my chest about how she doesn't want her daddy to leave her.  She wants him back here.  She doesn't want us to be broken up.  And I just held her while she cried.  I did good this time not letting my own wave of emotion come.  I know we will get through it but I can not expect my anger at this horrible situation to dissipate anytime soon.  I need to give myself time.  I've been practicing changing my thought process.  Most of the time I can do this.  Like on the fourth of July when I was the only single girl amid a bunch of couples, or the phone call I got about L going to visit her relatives from Oregon who are in town.  My sister in law who happens to be my former best friend.  For a moment I felt the wave of sadness before I realized I should be celebrating not having to go and deal with that uncomfortable situation.  It is liberating being able to do that.  So most of the time I can frame my train of thought in a different way and feel much better, but not when it comes to my baby.  I can not do it yet.  I am however able to encourage her to call her dad.  I am able to talk about her dad without any trace of anger when she needs to speak about him.  I am able to maneuver the give and take of the custody stuff.  I am able to encourage her relationship with all her relatives on that side of the family.  I am trying to do the best I can for her and make it as easy as I possibly can for her sake. For now that is the best I can do and for now it is enough.