Let's be done!

My anger..... I'm done with it, over it, put a fork in me I am DONE DONE DONE! When I lost Luci I remember trudging through the murky sludge and wondering when the fuck will I feel normal.  When will I feel like I've put this thing behind me.  I am in this same exact fucking place now.  It's hard to get over something when it is always here.  I'm not sure how people move on.  I'm not sure how they get past it.  I read all these stories of woman who handle this so much better than I am.  They find outlets for their anger that are not their ex.  They run, or knit or I don't fucking know.  It's not helping all those external outlets are not helping.  I'm combative and uncooperative with him because he hurt me.  Because he just got to move on and leave his daughter behind.  He's left me with every ounce of responsibility.  I find myself so very scared that I will be alone forever.  What if I get some debilitating disease?  Who will help me through it?  Who will tell me it's going to be ok?  Most of all if something happens to me who will love my baby girl like she deserves to be loved?  I'm seeing someone again and for some reason this just makes me lonelier because there is not actually time to see someone.  How do I move on when I have Wednesday and Thursday nights to myself and nothing else.  No one understands my schedule.  They don't really understand that I had no other choice.  My child is the most important thing and her father is not trust worthy and does not really want to spend time with her.  By forcing him to spend time he does not want with his child how does that make me a good parent.  It makes me someone who chooses me first and I do not get to do that.   Furthermore if I force him to have more time and then he starts using again where am I then.  I wont be able to take it back and then my child will be in danger. I know that sounds dramatic but recovered addicts are truly like a ticking time bomb and he is not in any sort of continued treatment plan.  So I have to find a way to make the choice I made work for me.  I made this schedule.  I made the schedule in which allows him to do whatever he damn well pleases whenever he fucking wants.  I gave him the single no responsibilities life he craves.  And I'm angry about it.  Just like I thought he should fight for me and our marriage I also wanted him to fight for his child.  It disgusts me that 2 evenings a week is enough for him.  It disgusts me that he thinks that this is parenting.  If I have to hear what a great dad he is one more time I think I just might explode into a zillion tiny pieces.   But that aside this was still my choice.  It wasn't the easiest choice, but it was the one that made the most sense.  I can not change who he is.  I have to find a way to accept my circumstance and move on.  I have to find a way to not be so lonely in my world.  I have to find a way to release the anger because it is not helping.  It's not helping me, or my child, or my relationship with the asshat I'm supposed to be co-parenting with.  I use that word parenting in the loosest of terms.