Distraction

I think the hardest part of this experience is losing control.  I like to be in control of my life.  I like to be able to control the outcome of situations.  I like to feel as if I am steering the vessel of my life.  Ever since alcoholism and drug addiction entered my life I have not been at the helm of the ship.  I've been bailing the water out of someone else's ship.  I've been living with someone else's life choices and someone else's mistakes.  When I sent him to rehab I felt as if I had taken my life back.  When I separated our finances I liberated myself and became the master of my own vessel, but then he walked out and I lost complete control.   When he got out of rehab I was cautious and angry, but also hopeful that the worst was behind us and we would finally be able to move on.  And we did move on.  The movement just was not in the direction I wanted.  So now I feel adrift again like I can not catch the wind in the right direction.  And that wind carries constant thoughts of him.  Divorce, divorce, divorce, I can not escape the thoughts.  Distraction is my friend.  These last two weeks have been particularly difficult because distraction has been fleeting at best.  Next week and the week after I work Monday-Wednesday.  Next Thursday I will go to Laguna beach for some time with my friend and her son.  Then I will go camping.  I don't know that I can really afford these things.  I know my savings should be saved for lawyers or mediators.  Right now I can not bring myself to file for divorce.  I know I should be flying there to sever ties before he does any more damage to my credit but I just can not seem to gather the will.  It just seems so overwhelming.  Everything right now is just overwhelming.  Distraction is my friend.